Existential Crisis: Hevel, Hevel, Everything Is Utterly Hevel

[DISCLAIMER]

As neighborhood children played outside our residence on Sunday mornings during my fifth grade year, my dad sat with me in the living room of our home to teach tenets of the Jehovah’s Witnesses faith, using a Bible textbook entitled The Truth That Leads to Eternal Life.

I was particularly interested in learning about an ancient Israel king, Solomon, as 1 Kings, chapter 3 addressed how he received knowledge, wisdom, and understanding directly from Jehovah. My dad appeared to admire this aspect of King Solomon, and I wanted to learn more.

Nonetheless, my underdeveloped mind didn’t fully grasp the lesson of 1 Kings 3:16-28, wherein Solomon proposed to have a breastfed infant sliced in two by a sword. However, I wanted to comprehend Solomon’s divine insight, as it may’ve helped me to better understand my dad.

Specifically, I wanted knowledge about a man who valued the story of Genesis 22—in which Abraham was on the brink of sacrificing his son Isaac to Jehovah, before being stopped by an angel—to the degree whereby my dad told me that he was also prepared to sacrifice me.

Noteworthy, my dad often told stories about his time as a hippie, which apparently entailed use and/or abuse of hallucinogens. He referred to substance-induced hallucinations as “trips,” noting that in days, weeks, months, and even years after use/abuse, one could have a “free trip.”

This meant that he could hallucinate at any time. According to one source, human consumption of hallucinogenic psychoactive substances may include “extended difficulty [with] feelings of anxiety and fear, existential struggle, social disconnection, depersonalization and derealization.”

Therefore, in elementary school, I was aware that my dad was one free trip away from a psychotic episode (a period during which an individual exhibits psychotic symptoms, such as hallucinations, delusions, and disorganized speech). At any time, my dad could’ve hallucinated.

I imagined that if my dad experienced a free trip in which he believed that Jehovah demanded a human sacrifice, there may not have been an angel to prevent him from committing homicide. Granted, my mom taught me how to properly attempt suicide only a year or so prior.

I wasn’t afraid of death, as I reasoned that the circumstances surrounding my death were more important than the experience of death. Yet, I was curious about Solomon’s wisdom, my dad’s interest in Jehovah’s pronouncements, and whether I’d die understanding what I’d been taught.

Framing my early foundations of knowledge about life and death in this manner, I offer that I developed a different understanding about meaning and meaninglessness than did many of the neighborhood children who played outside my residence on Sunday mornings in childhood.

For context, the American Psychological Association (APA) defines meaning as “the cognitive or emotional significance of a word or sequence of words, or of a concept, sign, or symbolic act.” For example, I’m defining words herein so that you’ll develop meaning of concepts.

Suppose that on a broader scale, you question whether or not there’s any significant meaning to the concept of your finite existence. After much deliberation, you conclude that your life is meaningless. About meaninglessness, the APA thusly states:

[A] pervasive sense of the absence of significance, direction, or purpose. A sense of meaninglessness regarding one’s life or life in general is sometimes a focal issue in psychotherapy [i.e., “therapy”].

The perception of meaninglessness poses the central problem that the existential approach attempts to solve or accommodate. See also existential psychotherapy; logotherapy; will to meaning.

If you endure issues of meaninglessness, you may be experiencing an existential crisis, which the APA defines as “a crucial stage or turning point at which an individual is faced with finding meaning and purpose in life and taking responsibility for their choices.”

Provided this framing of the matter, I likely experienced my first existential crisis in fifth grade. Allow me to recapitulate. My mom repeatedly told me that she wanted me dead and taught me how to kill myself in second or third grade, as she was too cowardly to kill me herself.

In fifth grade, my dad admitted that he had “free trips” regarding past hallucinogenic use/abuse, and admitted that if Jehovah told him to sacrifice me, then my dad wouldn’t have hesitated. In retrospect, my death wasn’t a matter of if, because it was a consideration of when and how.

Complicating a complex topic, my dad thoroughly covered the lesson of Ecclesiastes (“Ec.”) 1. Specifically, verses 1-18 outline what my dad taught me regarding the insignificance of life without Jehovah. Pertaining to this biblical lesson, one source states:

The author summarizes the teacher’s basic message at the beginning (Ec. 1:2) and the end (Ec. 12:8): “Hevel, hevel, everything is utterly hevel.” Most English Bibles translate this word hevel as “meaningless,” but that doesn’t quite capture the entire idea. In Hebrew, hevel literally refers to “vapor” or “smoke.” The teacher uses this word 38 times throughout the book of Ecclesiastes as a metaphor to describe how life is temporary and fleeting, like a wisp of smoke, but also how life is an enigma or paradox. Smoke appears solid, but when you try to grab it, it’s like nothing is there.

Here’s what the teacher is getting at. There’s so much goodness and beauty in the world, but just when you are enjoying it, tragedy strikes and it all seems to blow away. Most people believe in right and wrong and have a sense of justice, so why do bad things happen to good people all the time, despite our best intentions? Life is constantly unpredictable and unstable or, in the teacher’s description, like “chasing the wind.”

“All is hevel.” This is the teacher’s basic motto, and it is a total downer. Why is he saying all of this? The author’s basic goal is to target all of the ways we try to build meaning and purpose in life apart from God and then let the teacher deconstruct them. The author thinks that people spend most of their time investing energy and emotion in things that ultimately have no lasting meaning or significance. And so he allows the teacher to give us a reality check.

In childhood, I was taught that there was no meaning without Jehovah. Therefore, when I later identified as religiously agnostic in early adulthood, I perceived that life was meaningless. This experience resulted in an existential crisis, about which one source states:

Existential crises are inner conflicts characterized by the impression that life lacks meaning and by confusion about one’s personal identity. They are accompanied by anxiety and stress, often to such a degree that they disturb one’s normal functioning in everyday life and lead to depression.

Their negative attitude towards meaning reflects characteristics of the philosophical movement of existentialism. The components of existential crises can be divided into emotional, cognitive, and behavioral aspects. Emotional components refer to the feelings, such as emotional pain, despair, helplessness, guilt, anxiety, or loneliness.

Cognitive components encompass the problem of meaninglessness, the loss of personal values or spiritual faith, and thinking about death. Behavioral components include addictions, and anti-social and compulsive behavior.

“Hevel, hevel, everything is utterly hevel,” I basically concluded prior to learning more about existentialism and how it’s intertwined with the psychotherapeutic modality that I now practice. Although I’ve not come close to Solomon’s wisdom, I’ll share some of what I know with you.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

The authors quote ancient Stoic philosopher Seneca, who stated, “You know what wine and liqueur tastes like. It makes no difference whether a hundred or a thousand bottles pass through your bladder—you are nothing more than a filter” (page 386). In essence, distraction is hevel.

For context, the APA defines distraction as “the process of interrupting attention” and “a stimulus or task that draws attention away from the task of primary interest.” For example, as neighborhood children played outside my residence, I fanaticized about playing with them.

Thus, I was sometimes distracted from the Jehovah’s Witnesses teachings when hearing other children playing within my neighborhood. That, too, was hevel. Regarding Seneca’s declaration in this regard, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 386):

Here we have another contemptuous expression, this time from Seneca, who, given his reputation for opulence, probably enjoyed a nice drink from time to time. His point will probably rattle anyone for whom success and adulthood has turned them into a wine snob (though the logic can be applied just as easily to foodies, techies, audiophiles, and the like).

As fun and exciting and pleasurable as these pleasures are, it’s worth putting them in their place. You don’t get a prize at the end of your life for having consumed more, worked more, spent more, collected more, or learned more about the various vintages than everyone else.

You are just a conduit, a vessel that temporarily held or interacted with these fancy items. If you find yourself lusting over them, this meditation might help reduce their luster just a smidge.

Although I daydreamt of playing outside with other children when my dad taught me the tenets of his faith, I now appreciate the reduction in luster regarding such distraction. For instance, I could easily go outside right now and seek enjoyment, as it’s 95 degrees in Austin, Texas.

Yet, I know that drafting a post about existential crisis, so that others may learn an invaluable psychoeducational lesson, may be more personally meaningful than to meaninglessly enjoy myself. Still, if “everything is utterly hevel,” then this, too, may be like “chasing the wind.”

Typically, I squeeze in some attention-grabbing paragraph at the end of a blogpost, as to invite prospective clients to contemplate seeking REBT services with me. However, I’ll end this submission with encouragement for you to ascertain whatever wisdom you choose.

Be it knowledge, wisdom, and understanding in the league of Solomon, or merely the comprehension of a fifth grader who tries to figure out the task of living and dying, I encourage you to find your own meaning to the otherwise meaningless, or hevel, life that you lead.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, Designed by Magnific, fair use

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Hollings, D. (2025, February 28). To try is my goal. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/to-try-is-my-goal

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Hollings, D. (2025, July 18). We decide whether to label something good or bad. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/ we-decide-whether-to-label-something-good-or-bad

Hollings, D. (2026, March 8). You are not your beliefs or ideas. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/you-are-not-your-beliefs-or-ideas

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