Negative, but Healthy Disappointment: Seasons Change, and Friends Do Too
When dabbling in amateur photography while residing in Bomb City during 2009, I met person X. She was an alternative model, associated with the scene subculture, and someone I once considered a relatively close friend (one attached to another by affection or esteem).
To provide an adequate example of our tight bond, when person X told me that she received a death threat of imminent potential, not wanting to involve the police – as was the case with many of my close associates in Bomb City – I offered my services regarding personal security.
Staying the night in her home, I slept on the living room couch. Armed with a Glock 21C and an Ak-47, any threat coming through her front door wouldn’t have left in the same manner that the home was illegally or undesirably entered! That’s how deep my affection was for person X.
When one is willing to kill or be killed for a close friend, one may also eventually develop an unhelpful – even if seemingly rational (in accordance with both logic and reason) – expectation that the value attributed to one’s friendship will be mutually shared by all parties involved.
Yet, that’s not how life works! Favorably, I met person X when attending graduate school for counseling (2009-2011) and maintained our bond through my graduate studies for social work (2012-2014), so I didn’t unhealthily self-disturb with person X apparently had different beliefs.
Rather, I healthily self-distressed when two separate major discussions, during which I used open, honest, and vulnerable communication regarding the waxing and waning bond of friendship, proved to be ineffective. Thus, my beliefs about the matter caused disappointment.
For context, disappointment is defined as the act or an instance of disappointing—failing to meet expectations (the acts or states of expecting—to consider probable or certain). Now, allow me to demonstrate how I achieved negative, but healthy disappointment regarding person X’s beliefs.
As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) was formed by the late psychologist Albert Ellis, who reportedly developed the first cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) psychotherapeutic modality in 1955, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding his book, Ask Albert Ellis?: Straight Answers and Sound Advice from America’s Best-Known Psychologist.
REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.
Noteworthy, with virtually any undesirable Action that occurs, it’s your unfavorable Beliefs which cause unpleasant distress or disturbance (Consequence). Given this framing of self-distress and self-disturbance, it’s worth noting that one REBT source states (page 71):
REBT conceptualizes [distress] as healthy even though it is intense. Other approaches to therapy have as their goal the reduction of the intensity of negative emotions. They take this position because they do not keenly differentiate between healthy negative emotions (distress) and unhealthy negative emotions (disturbance).
Now, REBT keenly distinguishes between healthy distress and unhealthy disturbance. Healthy distress stems from your rational beliefs about a negative activating event [Action], whilst disturbance stems from your irrational beliefs about the same event.
Complete elimination of distress is highly unlikely in an impermanent and uncertain world, wherein people conceptually suffer, struggle, and battle with, or merely experience hardship. Still, individuals often make matters worse for themselves by disturbing about such instances.
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to distress or disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive scripts, think of the acronym GLAD.
Additionally, from a psychological standpoint, people distress or disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.
For context, when I twice discussed with person X the matter of our dwindling friendship in 2024 (Action), she responded something to the effect of, “Deric, seasons change” (Consequence). Here, some clarity may be useful.
A season can be defined as a time characterized by a particular circumstance or feature, a suitable or natural time or occasion, or an indefinite period of time, or a period of the year characterized by or associated with a particular activity or phenomenon.
Still, as person X was involved in the entertainment industry, a season may also be defined as a period of time when a series of new television (TV) shows, plays, etc., are being shown or performed. Thus, a season (e.g., winter) may be when a season (e.g., new TV show) ends.
Now, as person X hails from the scene subculture, I suspect that an AFI (A Fire Inside) reference is apropos. On the band’s seventh studio album DECEMBERUNDERGROUND (2006) is the song “Love Like Winter”. I imagine that, in this case, “winter” is a seasonal allusion to death.
Therefore, the season of winter can regard actual death, as well as the figurative death of a TV show season, with both instances of these terms relating to the loss of affection for someone or something. This is an adequate description of my perspective regarding the person X A-C event.
Also, as person X referenced changing seasons, it’s worth noting that change may be defined as making different in some particular way or aspect, making radically different, or giving a different position, course, or direction (e.g., a changing season of life may regard death).
By the time that my two attempts to problem-solve a dwindling relationship with person X failed, an extended play by hip hop duo Smif-N-Wessun (also known as Cocoa Brovaz and Tek-N-Steele, of Duck Down Records and Boot Camp Clik fame) and producer dFonk was released.
Specifically, on Seasons - EP (2019) was the song “Summer” on which the lyricists stated, “Seasons change, and friends do too.” Thus, using a B-C connection, when person X said, “Deric, seasons change” (Action), I rationally Believed, “Seasons change, and friends do too.”
Using this logical and reasonable outlook, I achieved negative, but healthy disappointment (Consequence). Just as her TV show seasons ended, and love like winter ends a season of life, so too was the case of my friendship with person X. Now, imagine me using an irrational Belief.
Person X said, “Deric, seasons change” (Action), I hypothetically Believed, “Our bond is worthless [G], and I can’t stand that winter has fallen upon our friendship [L], because it’s terrible [A], and this shouldn’t be [D],” and then I experienced deep sadness (Consequence).
Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.
Favorably, I didn’t use an ineffective Belief regarding person X, which would’ve caused self-disturbance. Rather, I used an Effective belief, which caused self-distress. Notably, I was disappointed by my view of the situation, though I wasn’t self-distressed by person X.
Moreover, REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).
With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).
The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.
Regarding my circle of control and USA, I acknowledged that I was in control of my reaction to the situation with person X. Likewise, concerning my circle of influence and UOA, I recognized that person X couldn’t be persuaded to extend our friendship to an indeterminate season.
Relating to my circle of concern and ULA, I admitted that, as person X stated that seasons change – including life and death as their own seasons. Pertaining to my area of no concern, an imaginary realm in which friendships last forever, that’s the stuff of wishes and dreams!
Along with negative, but healthy disappointment regarding the fact that seasons change, and friends do too, is the matter of healthy regret (an emotional response to remembrance of a past state, condition, or experience that one wishes had been different), as Ellis stated (page 22):
“Though it’s true and I regret the fact that they don’t like me, I can still accept myself unconditionally.” So REBT especially teaches unconditional acceptance – whether or not you do well, and whether significant people love you – and gets you to take risks, actual behavioral risks, to prove that you can accept yourself even if others do not.
Relatively recently, person Y – someone with whom I was once a friend – received the same opportunity as did person X. In the case of person Y, who knew of how matters turned out with person X, she chose to allow the season of our friendship to fade into the annuls of history.
Though I tried to prevent the matter (i.e., UOA), I eventually took control of the only element over which I could effect change: my reaction (i.e., USA). Ergo, just as the season of my life will inescapably lapse into a season of death (i.e., ULA), so too do friendships change (i.e., die).
Over and over again, I choose to use rational Effective beliefs which cause self-distress, instead of opting for irrational Beliefs which cause self-disturbance in this regard. After all, seasons change, and friends do too – as person X so eloquently reminded me, as did Smif-N-Wessun.
Now, I invite you to seek negative, but healthy disappointment and regret rather than negative, though unhealthy sadness when this occurs. Besides, you can effect non-compulsory change even when the seasons of life offer compulsory change which you can’t do all that much about.
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
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