Embarrassment Attacking: Risk-Taking Exercises

[DISCLAIMER]

There’s a tool used in Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) known as shame attacking. Regarding this useful technique, I stated in Shame Attacking:

When working with clients, I find it worthy to differentiate guilt from shame. Guilt (from inside) is something I take credit for, as shame (from outside) is something others assign credit for.

Regarding shame and REBT, one source states, “[S]hame attack [homework] assignments are valuable as they challenge our desire to conform to social standards, as well as our [so-called] need for the approval of others.” Per a separate source:

Shame attacking exercises are behavioral exposure assignments that have people perform behaviors that they fear or experience shame about doing. Perhaps the title shame attack is a misnomer, as people often experience social anxiety about doing these behaviors.

The exercise has three goals. First and most important, is to provide experiences that [prove] that you can act against your emotions, survive the discomfort, and behave as you planned despite unhealthy negative emotions.

Second, it convinces you that even if people dislike or disapprove of you for your behavior, it is not awful and you can stand their disapproval. Third and least important, it teaches us that most people do not even notice what we do, and we exaggerate the disapproval and reject we expect.

I agree that “the title shame attack is a misnomer.” For context, as it pertains to this blogpost, I invite you to consider that the American Psychological Association (APA) thusly defines the term self-consciousness:

[A] personality trait associated with the tendency to reflect on or think about oneself […] extreme sensitivity about one’s behavior, appearance, or other attributes and excessive concern about the impression one makes on others, which may lead to embarrassment or awkwardness in the presence of others.

Noted in that definition is “embarrassment,” which I think is a more fitting target for shame attacking exercises than actual shame. Here, it may be worth defining guilt, shame, pride, and embarrassment—all self-conscious emotions which the APA thusly defines:

[A self-conscious emotion is] an emotion generated when events reflect on the worth or value of the self in one’s own or others’ eyes. Self-conscious emotions include shame, pride, guilt, and embarrassment. Also called self-evaluative emotion.

The APA defines guilt as “a self-conscious emotion characterized by a painful appraisal of having done (or thought) something that is wrong and often by a readiness to take action designed to undo or mitigate this wrong.” In this way, guilt is experienced from the inside-out.

Similarly, the APA defines shame as “a highly unpleasant self-conscious emotion arising from the sense of there being something dishonorable, immodest, or indecorous in one’s own conduct or circumstances.” In this way, shame is experienced from the outside-in.

Additionally, the APA defines pride as “a self-conscious emotion that occurs when a goal has been attained and one’s achievement has been recognized and approved by others.” Whether in-side out (e.g., self-pride) or outside-in (e.g., communal pride), pride varies by experience.

Given definitions of guilt, shame, and pride, none of these terms adequately describes the focus of a shame attacking exercise. Thus, I think it’s more appropriate to identify the actual target of negotiated homework for behavioral exercises: embarrassment, which the APA thusly defines:

[A] self-conscious emotion in which a person feels awkward or flustered in other people’s company or because of the attention of others, as, for example, when being observed engaging in actions that are subject to mild disapproval from others. It often has an element of self-deprecating humor and is typically characterized by nervous laughter, a shy smile, or blushing.

I posit that “embarrassment attacking” is a better fitting description of the types of behavioral homework exercises I negotiate with clients than is “shame attacking.” Now, I turn to additional definitions which may be useful to know.

As it pertains to this blogpost the APA defines risk as “the probability of experiencing loss or harm that is associated with an action or behavior.” My clients are encouraged to engage in healthy risk taking, which the APA thusly defines:

[A]ccepting a challenging task that simultaneously involves potential for failure as well as for accomplishment or personal benefit. It is often associated with creativity and taking calculated risks in the workplace or in educational settings.

Risk-taking exercises are designed to be challenging and uncomfortable. Otherwise, if they were easy and comfortable, people likely wouldn’t properly develop tolerance (the capacity to endure pain or hardship). Therefore, it may be worth noting that the APA thusly defines risk tolerance:

[T]he level of risk to which an individual is willing to be exposed while performing an action or pursuing a goal. Tolerance of risk is usually based on an assumption (justified or not) that the risk is slight, the consequences are minor, and that both are outweighed by immediate benefits.

Embarrassment attacking through use of risk-taking exercises is a matter of transitioning from intellectual insight to emotional insight (the process of moving from mere knowledge, wisdom, and understanding to action-based practice of REBT). Allow me to demonstrate what I mean.

REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.

Noteworthy, with virtually any undesirable Action that occurs, it’s your unfavorable Beliefs which cause unpleasant distress or disturbance (Consequence). Given this framing of self-distress and self-disturbance, it’s worth noting that one REBT source states (page 71):

REBT conceptualizes [distress] as healthy even though it is intense. Other approaches to therapy have as their goal the reduction of the intensity of negative emotions. They take this position because they do not keenly differentiate between healthy negative emotions (distress) and unhealthy negative emotions (disturbance).

Now, REBT keenly distinguishes between healthy distress and unhealthy disturbance. Healthy distress stems from your rational beliefs about a negative activating event [Action], whilst disturbance stems from your irrational beliefs about the same event.

Complete elimination of distress is highly unlikely in an impermanent and uncertain world wherein people conceptually suffer, struggle, and battle with, or merely experience hardship. Still, individuals often make matters worse for themselves by disturbing about such instances.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to distress or disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance (LFT), awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive scripts, think of the acronym GLAD.

Worth noting, the two forms of should, must, and ought demands with which people most often distress or disturb are associated with use of absolutistic and conditional beliefs. Generally speaking, these scripts serve as inflexible commands used toward oneself, others, and life.

An absolute must narrative is, “You absolutely must do as I say!” A conditional should narrative is, “Either you should do as I say, or you should be punished!” Noteworthy, in REBT literature, demandingness of this sort is said to function as a primary appraisal mechanism of self-upset.

Global evaluations (i.e., self-downing, other-downing, and life-downing), low frustration tolerance (also known as frustration intolerance), and awfulizing (e.g., terrible, horrible, etc.) function as secondary appraisal mechanisms. Together, GLAD will make you sad or mad, etc.

While still functioning as prescriptive rather than descriptive, flexible use of recommendatory, preferential, ideal, empirical, moral and ethical, and legal ought beliefs won’t inevitably cause disturbance, as they may align with distress. Rigidity versus flexibility makes a difference.

Additionally, from a psychological standpoint, people distress or disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.

From an A-C view, you go into a public setting with messy hair (Action) and people stare at you (Consequence). Regarding an REBT perspective, this A-C experience doesn’t cause embarrassment. Instead, a B-C connection is responsible for this self-conscious emotion.

People stare at your messy hair (Action), you unaccommodatingly Believe, “I’m insignificant when not viewed positively [G], and I can’t tolerate being stared at [L], because it’s a horrific experience [A] that mustn’t occur [D],” and you thus make yourself embarrassed (Consequence).

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

One of the main drivers of embarrassment is an LFT narrative (e.g., I can’t stand it). Thus, the purpose of embarrassment attacking through use of risk-taking exercises is to instead promote high frustration tolerance (HFT; I can stand this). Of this, one REBT source states (page 152):

In risk-taking exercises clients are encouraged to do something they regard as being ‘too risky’. These exercises are particularly helpful in encouraging clients to dispute discomfort-related irrational beliefs relating to certainty.

For example, a client may be encouraged to take the risk of acting in an unpredictable manner, not knowing how others will respond, while disputing his or her belief  ‘I can stand the uncertainty of not knowing what will happen.’

Part of my challenge as a life coach and psychotherapist occurs when even though I’ve been persuasive enough to assist clients with disputing their irrational beliefs, some of my clients willfully refuse to complete their negotiated homework regarding risk-taking exercises.

Therefore, I bear in mind that REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

Whereas the ABC model is a scientific approach to wellness, UA serves as a philosophical method for un-disturbing yourself. I view the former as an abortive approach to disturbance and the latter as a preventative method. Of course, not all REBT practitioners use the same style as I.

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

Regarding clients who don’t follow through on negotiated embarrassment attacking homework, I remind myself that the only control I have in the therapeutic alliance (the working relationship between a psychotherapist and a client) regards my reaction to undesirable events (USA).

Likewise, I remain mindful of the fact that my clients are fallible human beings – as am I (USA) – who sometimes don’t accept personal responsibility and accountability (collectively “ownership”) for their reactions to self-distressing or self-disturbing beliefs (UOA).

Consequently, people can (and do) unproductively choose to remain willfully stuck in distress and disturbance with what relatively little time they have left in their impermanent and uncertain lives (ULA). Perhaps these individuals will die in a perceivably embarrassing manner! Oh well!

For those people who choose to engage in embarrassment attacking by practicing risk-taking exercises, perhaps even as they may be in the process of dying while on the toilet, à la Elvis Presley, they can die with fortitude and resilience as the kings or queens of a porcelain throne!

“I’m dying while taking a shit?” one may think while vital organs rapidly stop working, “Too bad, because I don’t give a shit that people will find me like this!” If you, too, want to foster this sort of resolve, then I invite you to consider embarrassment attacking by risk-taking exercises.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

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Hollings, D. (2022, November 7). Personal ownership. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/personal-ownership

Hollings, D. (2025, September 9). Personal responsibility and accountability. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/personal-responsibility-and-accountability

Hollings, D. (2023, March 20). Practice. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/practice

Hollings, D. (2025, April 25). Preferences vs. expectations. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/preferences-vs-expectations

Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Preferential should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/preferential-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2024, May 5). Psychotherapist. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapist

Hollings, D. (2022, March 24). Rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-emotive-behavior-therapy-rebt

Hollings, D. (2025, August 13). Rational versus irrational thoughts and beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-versus-irrational-thoughts-and-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2024, January 1). Rational vs. irrational. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-vs-irrational

Hollings, D. (2024, March 14). REBT and emotions. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rebt-and-emotions

Hollings, D. (2024, July 18). REBT flexibility. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rebt-flexibility

Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Recommendatory should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/recommendatory-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2023, February 17). Revisiting the circle of control. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/revisiting-the-circle-of-control

Hollings, D. (2024, January 4). Rigid vs. rigorous. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rigid-vs-rigorous

Hollings, D. (2025, December 22). Self-deprecation: I’ve come a long way. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-deprecation-i-ve-come-a-long-way

Hollings, D. (2022, November 1). Self-disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-disturbance

Hollings, D. (2025, January 6). Self-downing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-downing

Hollings, D. (2026, April 21). Self-upset. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-upset

Hollings, D. (2022, September 8). Shame attacking. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/shame-attacking

Hollings, D. (2022, October 7). Should, must, and ought. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/should-must-and-ought

Hollings, D. (2024, February 27). Suffering, struggling, and battling vs. experiencing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/suffering-struggling-and-battling-vs-experiencing

Hollings, D. (2025, October 19). Surprise and embarrassment. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/surprise-and-embarrassment

Hollings, D. (2022, December 23). The A-C connection. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-a-c-connection

Hollings, D. (2025, December 21). The awful, very bad, horrible, terrible, no good, unacceptable elements of life. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-awful-very-bad-horrible-terrible-no-good-unacceptable-elements-of-life

Hollings, D. (2022, December 25). The B-C connection. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-b-c-connection

Hollings, D. (2022, November 2). The critical A. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-critical-a

Hollings, D. (2024, January 12). The reflection process. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/ the-reflection-process

Hollings, D. (2025, September 9). The true worth of things. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-true-worth-of-things

Hollings, D. (2024, January 11). Therapeutic alliance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/therapeutic-alliance

Hollings, D. (2025, April 15). This cake smells unpleasant. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/this-cake-smells-unpleasant

Hollings, D. (2023, February 16). Tna. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/__tna

Hollings, D. (2025, February 28). To try is my goal. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/to-try-is-my-goal

Hollings, D. (2025, December 23). Too bad. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/too-bad

Hollings, D. (2025, January 9). Traditional ABC model. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/traditional-abc-model

Hollings, D. (2024, October 20). Unconditional acceptance redux. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-acceptance-redux

Hollings, D. (2023, March 11). Unconditional life-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-life-acceptance

Hollings, D. (2023, February 25). Unconditional other-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-other-acceptance

Hollings, D. (2023, March 1). Unconditional self-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-self-acceptance

Hollings, D. (2024, March 18). Unhealthy vs. healthy negative emotions. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unhealthy-vs-healthy-negative-emotions

Hollings, D. (2024, October 26). Unhelpful expectations. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unhelpful-expectations

Hollings, D. (2025, February 9). Value. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/value

Hollings, D. (2026, April 24). Virtues of fortitude and resilience. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/virtues-of-fortitude-and-resilience

Hollings, D. (2023, May 3). Want vs. need. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/want-vs-need

Hollings, D. (2024, September 29). Well, well, well. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/well-well-well

Hollings, D. (2026, March 26). You’ll have suffered twice. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/you-ll-have-suffered-twice

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