Accepting What Cannot Be Changed
As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) was formed by the late psychologist Albert Ellis, who reportedly developed the first cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) psychotherapeutic modality in 1955, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding his book, Ask Albert Ellis?: Straight Answers and Sound Advice from America’s Best-Known Psychologist.
Noteworthy, when practicing REBT, I use personal responsibility and accountability (collectively “ownership”). For improved understanding, responsibility is defined as the quality or state of being responsible, such as a moral, legal, or mental accountability.
Here, “responsible” is defined as liable to be called to account as the primary cause, motive, or agent, and being able to answer for one’s conduct and obligations—something, such as the demands of conscience or custom, that obligates one to a course of action.
Also, “accountable” is defined as subject to giving an account—a statement explaining one’s conduct. Accountability is defined as the quality or state of being accountable, especially regarding an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions.
When providing psychoeducational lessons on REBT, a psychotherapeutic modality which arguably requires that one preferably should take personal ownership in order to reduce self-distress or self-disturbance, I lean heavily on both responsibility and accountability.
This is because I maintain that people have personal agency (a person’s ability to control one’s own reactions to activating events which are beyond one’s own dominion, especially when one’s response is limited by someone or something else). This is a matter of self-empowerment.
Unfavorably, some people have expressed disempowering narratives to me regarding a particular technique used in REBT. For context, I stated in a blogpost entitled Content With Settling, Not Seeking:
[W]hen people don’t practice un-disturbed flexible settling in the interest of a good enough state of contentedness, they may experience unpleasant cognitive, emotive, sensation, and behavioral outcomes. Therefore, I advocate contentment as a default state of being.
With my use to REBT, I encourage people to settle (to take up an ordered or stable life) through the practice of acceptance (a favorable attitude toward an idea, situation, person, or group) by accepting what cannot be changed (made different in some particular way or aspect).
Specifically, REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).
With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).
The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.
I now invite you to consider that on his album Mental Trillness 2 (2024), rapper Juicy J—a founding member of the hip hop group Three 6 Mafia—featured a song called “Serenity”. It opened with citation of the Serenity Prayer, attributed to Reinhold Niebuhr, and which is used by Alcoholics Anonymous:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Now, one source notes, “Jehovah’s Witnesses believe that the beast identified by the number 666 [in the Bible] represents the world’s unified governments in opposition to God. The beast is said to have ‘a human number’ in that the represented governments are of a human origin rather than spirit entities.”
As I was raised under the tenets of the Jehovah’s Witnesses, the irony isn’t lost on me regarding a founding member of Three 6 Mafia (i.e., 666 Mafia) appealing to “God” through use of the Serenity Prayer. Nevertheless, I’ll now use this irony as an example for how to practice UA.
Regarding my circle of control and USA, I acknowledge that I can accept what cannot be changed, which includes contradictions of religious or spiritual views. Concerning my circle of influence and UOA, I can settle for Juicy J’s apparently ironic citation of the Serenity Prayer.
Relating to my circle of concern and ULA, I admit that the world is imperfect, as I’d do well to practice the Serenity Prayer rather than criticizing the behavior of others. As for my area of no concern, an imaginary realm in which everything goes my way, I’m unconcerned with fantasy.
When encouraging the clients with whom I work to practice UA in this manner, I’ve sometimes received pushback regarding my advocacy for settling and accepting when change cannot be achieved. Similarly, Ellis was thusly questioned about this topic (pages 34 and 35):
While discussing the basic tenets of REBT with a friend recently, he suggested that adjusting one’s way of thinking about his or her problems in life encourages one to “settle,” and not to attempt to change one’s situation or circumstances. What would you respond to the charge that REBT teaches one to settle for whatever happens, thereby discouraging action?
This is a matter I’ve addressed throughout my blog. For example, I stated in a blog entry entitled Acceptance is Losing?:
At its core, USA acknowledges that I am a fallible (flawed) human being. I’ve never been perfect, I’m not faultless right now, and I never will be without defect. Therefore, I accept my imperfection as an inherent characteristic of life.
That’s it. Nothing more to add. Don’t try to improve upon yourself, because you’re imperfect. Have a nice life. Buh-bye.
Of course, I jest. Some clients disturb themselves in our sessions, because their irrational beliefs about USA lead them to conclude that unconditional acceptance of oneself is an act of giving in—it’s supposedly an excuse for mediocrity and a means to nihilist defeatism.
On the contrary, USA merely accepts what is rather than demanding what ought to be. I’m imperfect and I accept this irrefutable fact. Nevertheless, I can improve upon my fallibility while not disturbing myself on a pointless quest for perfection.
Accepting what cannot be changed, à la the Serenity Prayer – even for the secular individuals who encounter this post, is precisely how UA is properly practiced. To elucidate this point, Ellis responded to the aforementioned question by stating (page 35):
REBT definitely does not encourage people to “settle” and fail to change one’s situation or circumstances. As recommended by theologian Reinhold Niebuhr in the famous Serenity Prayer adopted by Alcoholics Anonymous, it encourages people to try very hard to change unfortunate and obnoxious conditions that they can change.
Otherwise, there will be no progress for themselves or the community in which they live. Their goals are to gain human happiness for themselves and members of their social group. These goals often require exceptionally hard work. REBT distinctly favors work and practice for self-development and community growth. It fosters productivity and change.
When teaching people about UA, I remind them that they have personal agency. Likewise, I invite people to practice personal ownership regarding their own outcomes in life. These are different concepts than collective agency or collective ownership.
Unfavorably, some individuals upset themselves with unaccommodating beliefs about how one’s personal endeavors absolutely must reflect one’s collective goings-on. From this worldview, accepting what cannot be changed isn’t a viable option, because everything must be altered!
This is the antithesis of UA, it’s a renunciation of the Serenity Prayer, and it isn’t what I advocate. Therefore, I encourage you to change what you can, and accept everything else. Admittedly, this is a matter of healthily settling! In this way, you can attain serenity…now!
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
Photo credit, Designed by Magnific, fair use
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