Unrealistic, Illogical, and Self-Defeating Beliefs and Behavior
When serving in the United States (U.S.) Marine Corps (1996-2007), as a sergeant (E-5), I met a female Marine (E-3) who told me that she was divorced from her male Marine husband (E-3). As it turned out, she was physically separated and going through a divorce, not actually divorced.
Senior enlisted and officer personnel within my command ordered me not to maintain contact with the woman until her divorce was finalized (e.g., formal reprimand). Fellow junior-enlisted Marines cautioned me that her actions with other Marines were questionable (e.g., flirtatious).
On a number of occasions, the husband from whom she was physically separated also warned me about her. Even my closest Marine friends altogether advised me against pursuing an intimate partner relationship with the woman who had a six-month-old daughter from her marriage.
Yet, I thought that the female Marine was fabulous (resembling or suggesting a fable: of an incredible, astonishing, or exaggerated nature). Thus, no one could tell me anything that served as a challenge to my unrealistic, illogical, and self-defeating beliefs and behavior.
For context, the American Psychological Association (APA) defines reality as “in philosophy, that which genuinely exists, usually in contrast to that which only seems to exist.” In actuality, my conception of the female Marine was inappropriate to reality or fact (i.e., unrealistic).
Also, the APA defines logic as “the branch of epistemology that is concerned with the forms of argument by which a valid conclusion may be drawn from accepted premises. As such, it is also concerned with distinguishing correct from fallacious reasoning.” I’ll address logic more in a bit.
For now, the term self-defeating regards acting to defeat (to win victory over) its own purpose. As well, the APA defines behavior as “any action or function that can be objectively observed or measured in response to controlled stimuli.”
Additionally, the APA defines self-defeating behavior as “repetitive actions by an individual that invite failure or misfortune and thus prevent them from attaining goals or fulfilling desires.” In my case, self-defeating behavior resulted in administrative and legal problems in the military.
Noteworthy, shortly before being specifically barred from Marine Corps Air Station Miramar and generally from all U.S. Marine Corps Forces, Pacific, lyricist Fabolous released his second debut album entitled Sweet Dreams (2003). It was a major success within many Marine barracks!
On the album was the song “Into You”, featuring vocals by Ashanti. Per one source, vocals were later provided by Tamia for the video version of the track. I was so “into” the female Marine that I believed she was as fabulous as Fabolous’ lyrical abilities—which I adored at the time.
In any case, a reasonable question is if my unwelcome outcome in the Marines was brought on by my belief, which the APA defines as “acceptance of the truth, reality, or validity of something (e.g., a phenomenon, a person’s veracity), particularly in the absence of substantiation.”
Now, as Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) was formed by the late psychologist Albert Ellis, who reportedly developed the first cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) psychotherapeutic modality in 1955, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding his book, Ask Albert Ellis?: Straight Answers and Sound Advice from America’s Best-Known Psychologist.
In my mind, the female Marine who would later become my wife was fabulous. This perspective comports with how the APA further defines belief, “an association of some characteristic or attribute, usually evaluative in nature, with an attitude object (e.g., this car is reliable).”
With my self-defeating belief (i.e., the female Marine with whom I was in love was fabulous, irrespective of the warnings I received from others), I engaged in self-defeating behavior. Regarding a similar worldview, someone once asked Ellis (pages 25 and 26):
Isn’t it true that some irrational/unprovable beliefs can have a healthy effect on an individual? (e.g., My relationship with my wife is Fabulous!) If so, is it really accurate to pin psychological distress on having irrational, unprovable beliefs?
Wouldn’t it be more helpful just to say that we have “choices” in how we can view a situation, figure out which choice will serve our long-term interests the best, and then pick it, rather than worry about whether a belief is rational or irrational?
Answering this question for myself, I view many events through the proverbial lens of REBT. Herein, I’ll provide a psychoeducational lesson that involves thinking and believing which is rational (in accordance with both logic and reason), or not (i.e., irrational), as it regards REBT.
Here, “logic” is the interrelation or sequence of facts or events when seen as inevitable or predictable, and “reason” is a statement offered in explanation or justification. For instance, a modus ponens syllogism uses the following logical form: If p, then q; p; therefore, q.
Before I provide an example, it may be useful to know that one source states, “A theory is, in general, any hypothesis or set of ideas about something, formed in any number of ways through any sort of reasoning for any sort of reason.” Colloquially, a “theory” alludes to a mere belief.
If every theory in which I believe possibly could be true or real (p), then every theory in which I believe empirically must be true or real (q). Every theory in which I believe possibly could be true or real (p). Therefore, every theory in which I believe empirically must be true or real (q).
This proposition follows logical form; yet I argue that it isn’t reasonable, because what could be isn’t necessarily what is. Thus, I consider this syllogistic belief as that relating to irrationality. Nevertheless, I have little doubt that at least one person on this planet disagrees with my outlook.
Noteworthy, my worldview is subjective (characteristic of or belonging to reality as perceived rather than as independent of mind). Thus, not everyone agrees with what everybody else deems as rational or not. Irrespective of advocacy for equality, not everyone maintains the same views.
For clarity, the APA defines subjective as “taking place or existing only within the mind,” and defines objective as “having verifiable existence in the external world, independently of any opinion or judgment.”
Also, a rational perspective for one person may not be considered rational by members of a group. For example, people dedicating themselves to the practice of science may fervently disagree with referring to a mere belief as a “theory.” I agree! Yet, this is my subjective view.
Responding to the question posed to Ellis, I maintain that my unrealistic, illogical, and self-defeating belief about the woman I eventually married (i.e., she was fabulous) correlated with self-defeating behavior. I’ll explain why even a favorable belief didn’t well-serve my situation.
REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to distress or disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive scripts, think of the acronym GLAD.
Additionally, from a psychological standpoint, people distress or disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.
From an A-C view, virtually everyone in my life warned me that the woman who I loved wasn’t well-suited for me (Action), as I endured an unwelcome outcome in the Marines (Consequence). Still, it was a self-defeating B-C connection that caused my self-defeating behavior.
People warned me (Action), I Believed, “She’s fabulous, and they’re useless [G], and I can’t tolerate them [L], because it’s awful that they don’t see her as I do [A], as they should [D],” and with that self-defeating Belief I then behaved in a self-defeating manner (Consequence).
Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.
Now, it’s reasonable to ask whether or not unrealistic and illogical Beliefs are worth Disputing if they don’t cause unpleasant Consequences. Therefore, it’s worth noting that Ellis answered the aforementioned question posed herein by stating (page 26):
In Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), irrational beliefs are not merely defined as those that are unrealistic (anti-factual) or illogical (do not follow from one’s premises), but include those that are usually unrealistic and illogical and also do harm to you and/or your social group (sabotage your goals and desires).
If you believe that your wife is Fabulous when she is actually fairly ordinary, that is unrealistic. If you believe that because you love her, that makes her Fabulous to everyone, that is unrealistic and illogical. But these unrealistic and illogical beliefs are healthy in that they help both you and your wife and presumably do not harm anyone else.
Therefore, in REBT theory and practice they are not irrational. You are both damned lucky! If you believe that because you love her and because you see her as Fabulous she will never make any mistakes nor treat you unkindly, beware! That is probably unrealistic, illogical and self-defeating!
In reality, the female Marine I met in the military, whose hand in marriage I accepted after she proposed, who wound up cheating on me many times, and from whom I ultimately received a divorce wasn’t fabulous. She was merely a fallible human being, as was/am I.
Still, my former unrealistic and illogical belief in her fabulousness (i.e., favorable) wasn’t what caused my unwelcome outcome. Rather, my self-defeating GLAD belief is what resulted in my self-defeating behavior. Now, I invite you to understand this meaningful distinction.
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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Hollings, D. (2025, August 13). Rational versus irrational thoughts and beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-versus-irrational-thoughts-and-beliefs
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Hollings, D. (2024, December 5). Reasoning. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/reasoning
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Hollings, D. (2024, January 20). Reliability vs. validity. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/reliability-vs-validity
Hollings, D. (2024, January 4). Rigid vs. rigorous. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rigid-vs-rigorous
Hollings, D. (2025, December 31). Sanctum: A focus on irrationality. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/sanctum-a-focus-on-irrationality
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Hollings, D. (2022, December 1). Self-sabotage. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-sabotage
Hollings, D. (2026, April 21). Self-upset. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-upset
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Hollings, D. (2024, October 17). Stress-testing intimate partner relationships. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/stress-testing-intimate-partner-relationships
Hollings, D. (2023, October 17). Syllogism. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/syllogism
Hollings, D. (2022, December 23). The A-C connection. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-a-c-connection
Hollings, D. (2022, December 25). The B-C connection. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-b-c-connection
Hollings, D. (2025, October 22). The construct. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-construct
Hollings, D. (2022, December 14). The is-ought problem. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-is-ought-problem
Hollings, D. (2023, August 6). The science. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-science
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Hollings, D. (2026, April 23). The three traditionally identified components of the mind: Affect, cognition, and conation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-three-traditionally-identified-components-of-the-mind-affect-cognition-and-conation
Hollings, D. (2026, May 25). The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat: Veneration of the dead. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-thrill-of-victory-and-the-agony-of-defeat-veneration-of-the-dead
Hollings, D. (2025, April 15). This cake smells unpleasant. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/this-cake-smells-unpleasant
Hollings, D. (2024, February 6). This ride inevitably ends. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/this-ride-inevitably-ends
Hollings, D. (2026, June 5). To offend and endure offense: Você tem chulé. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/to-offend-and-endure-offense-você-tem-chulé
Hollings, D. (2025, February 28). To try is my goal. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/to-try-is-my-goal
Hollings, D. (2025, January 9). Traditional ABC model. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/traditional-abc-model
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Hollings, D. (2024, September 25). Unrealistic philosophies. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unrealistic-philosophies
Hollings, D. (2024, August 20). We all make our choices. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/we-all-make-our-choices
Hollings, D. (2026, May 26). We aren’t all the same. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/we-aren-t-all-the-same
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Hollings, D. (2024, July 3). What equality? Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/what-equality
Hollings, D. (2023, October 10). When others don’t share your worldview. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/when-others-don-t-share-your-worldview
Hollings, D. (2024, April 17). Wishes, dreams, and goals. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/wishes-dreams-and-goals
Hollings, D. (2026, March 22). Worry: Would It Help? Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/worry-would-it-help
Hollings, D. (2026, March 8). You are not your beliefs or ideas. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/you-are-not-your-beliefs-or-ideas
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