Letting Go of Control

[DISCLAIMER]

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

Using a Stoic perspective, I view many events through the proverbial lens of REBT. Thus, I’ll now provide a psychoeducational lesson that involves thinking and believing which is rational (in accordance with both logic and reason), or not (i.e., irrational), as it regards REBT.

Here, “logic” is the interrelation or sequence of facts or events when seen as inevitable or predictable, and “reason” is a statement offered in explanation or justification. For instance, a modus ponens syllogism uses the following logical form: If p, then q; p; therefore, q.

Before I provide an example, it may be useful to know that one source states, “A theory is, in general, any hypothesis or set of ideas about something, formed in any number of ways through any sort of reasoning for any sort of reason.” Colloquially, a “theory” alludes to a mere belief.

If every theory in which I believe possibly could be true or real (p), then every theory in which I believe empirically must be true or real (q). Every theory in which I believe possibly could be true or real (p). Therefore, every theory in which I believe empirically must be true or real (q).

This proposition follows logical form; yet I argue that it isn’t reasonable, because what could be isn’t necessarily what is. Thus, I consider this syllogistic belief as that relating to irrationality. Nevertheless, I have little doubt that at least one person on this planet disagrees with my outlook.

Noteworthy, my worldview is subjective (characteristic of or belonging to reality as perceived rather than as independent of mind). Thus, not everyone agrees with what everybody else deems as rational or not. Irrespective of advocacy for equality, not everyone maintains the same views.

For clarity, the American Psychological Association (APA) defines subjective as “taking place or existing only within the mind,” and the APA definition of objective is “having verifiable existence in the external world, independently of any opinion or judgment.”

Also, a rational perspective for one person may not be considered rational by members of a group. For example, people dedicating themselves to the practice of science may fervently disagree with referring to a mere belief as a “theory.” I agree! Yet, this is my subjective view.

Given this perspective, I fully acknowledge that although I was raised with religious views, as the following topic pertains to the existence of a deity, I remain agnostic (a person who holds the view that any ultimate reality, such as a supreme being, is unknown and probably unknowable).

Whereas I was once hubristically convinced that there absolutely is a god, I’m now one who isn’t committed to believing in either the existence or the nonexistence of God or any gods. I simply don’t know whether or not any deities exist. Factually speaking, neither do you!

For clarity, the term “know” in this context relates to perceiving directly: having direct cognition of God or any gods. No such evidence exists to support this claim. Yet, countless people throughout recorded human history have claimed to know that deities of various sorts exist.

I remain agnostic, as these people maintain(ed) irrationally exaggerated pride or self-confidence regarding their irrational views. Case in point, authors of The Daily Stoic quote ancient Greek Stoic philosopher Chrysippus, who stated (page 336):

This is the very thing which makes up the virtue of the happy person and a well-flowing life—when the affairs of life are in every way tuned to the harmony between the individual divine spirit and the will of the director of the universe.

Quotes such as these are one reason why I’m no longer referring to myself as a Stoic. Allow me to present justification for why I state this, as I’ll use a modus ponens syllogism for my argument (i.e., if p, then q; p; therefore, q).

If Stoics appeal to unfalsifiable deities (p), then I, as one who remains agnostic, don’t maintain their irrational perspectives (q). Stoics appeal to unfalsifiable deities (p). Therefore I, as one who remains agnostic, don’t maintain their irrational perspectives (q).

Bear in mind, as I previously stated, beliefs are subjective. Thus, I support Stoics for subjectively believing in a higher power. Simultaneously, I subjectively believe that claiming to know that gods exist is a matter of hubris. Of this matter, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 336):

In undergoing a twelve-step program, many addicts struggle most with step 2: acknowledging a higher power. Addicts often fight this one. At first they claim it’s because they’re atheists or because they don’t like religion or because they don’t understand why it matters.

But they later realize that this is just the addiction talking—it’s another form of selfishness and self-absorption. The actual language of the step is pretty easy to swallow: “[We] came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

Subsequent steps ask the addict to submit and let go. The second step really has less to do with “god” than those other steps—the letting go. It’s about attuning to the universe and discarding the toxic idea that we’re at the center of it.

This simplistic argument offered by authors of The Daily Stoic is something in which many people subjectively believe. However, even a cursory examination of the logic and reason underlying such claims expose it for what it is: irrational.

Noteworthy, REBT, which was developed by the late psychologist Albert Ellis, is a humanistic approach to well-being. As such, people learn to self-empoweringly resolve their own issues without disempoweringly relying on the unfalsifiable existence of God or any gods for help.

REBT is a form of self-help, not “higher power” assistance. After all, the only realm in which the latter exists is in what is believed to be true, not what is known. Thus, it’s in one’s imagination. Now, regarding the argument offered by authors of The Daily Stoic, Ellis stated (pages 41-42):

One advantage of the Disease Theory is that it brings medical science into the picture. The Disease Theory’s main advantage, however, is that it gets people off the self-blame hook: “I am not responsible for my behavior, but my Disease makes me act that way.”

You will not, of course, damn yourself (and others) for having a Disease (particularly an allergy) if you thought it made you (and them) misbehave. This is one reason many people so ferociously hang on to the Disease Theory: They sensibly fear the self-damning that easily (though falsely) ties itself to self-responsibility for poor behavior.

They know that freedom from blame opens the door to self-help. But they fail to realize a flaw in the Disease Theory: If your disease is responsible, then it may seem a bit odd to say, “My Disease was responsible up to this minute, but from this minute forth I am responsible.” How, exactly, would that work?

If a Disease caused your poor behavior in the past, why would a Disease decide to stop doing so now? “Well, because now, knowing that I have a Disease, I can take responsibility for my own behavior from here on out.” Or “I first have to admit I am powerless over my Disease, and that gives me the power to take responsibility and control it now.”

These arguments seem illogical to many people. What kind of Disease could make you drink until you find out you have it, and then (if only you accept your powerlessness and a Higher Power) will let you take responsibility and control? What Disease knows that you have now made a pact with the Higher Power and that it had damned well better surrender its power to make you powerless and submit to you and the Higher Power?

The answer is that it is a special Disease made up for the occasion and useful in reducing self-blame. In 1935 when AA [Alcoholics Anonymous] adopted the idea, it was distinctly better than the idea that heavy drinkers were morally defective.

In this book, however, we will describe a much more honest and useful method to ward off self-damning. It does not lead to the (unintended) abuses of the Disease Theory that shock us these days: seeing mayors, college presidents, and Watergate conspirators get caught doing crimes and discovering that little or nothing happens to them when they get caught. Why not?

Because their Disease “makes” them do drugs or drink and act illegally. Dangerous, violent criminals who get caught and have the right lawyers have jumped on the Disease bandwagon with “I had a bad childhood” and “I was abused.” Maybe so, but what of the millions of people of similar backgrounds who behave responsibly?

This attitude—it’s not my fault or my responsibility—often causes more misbehavior. It damages the fabric of our society because it helps people avoid answering for their poor behavior. If “the Devil made me do it!” as comedian Flip Wilson was fond of claiming, then you are not to blame and you are not responsible. But you’re stuck—because you don’t learn to behave more responsibly.

Ellis addressed personal responsibility and accountability (collectively “ownership”) regarding unhelpful behavior. Without personal ownership, one can plan on frequently attending AA meetings, appealing to an unfalsifiable “higher power,” and adopt a victim mentality.

Here, it’s worth noting that the APA defines control as “authority, power, or influence over events, behaviors, situations, or people.” Colloquially, control merely relates to one’s ability to exercise restraining or directing influence over something or someone.

Surprisingly, authors of The Daily Stoic prescribe that “letting go” is “about attuning to the universe and discarding the toxic idea that we’re at the center of it.” I agree with letting go of irrational beliefs, yet not releasing all control. For clarity, I stated in Let Go Without Attachment:

Letting go without attachment regards helpfully releasing one’s own unfavorable emotional grip on people, places, things, or outcomes, allowing them to exist or pass without possessing them to satisfy one’s own desires. It’s the practice of unconditional acceptance (UA) by un-disturbing oneself.

Regarding this rational perspective, it’s worth noting that REBT uses UA to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

Though I no longer identify as a Stoic, I still appreciate some Stoic principles. For instance, in any given situation, I ask myself: What do I control? What do I influence? With this in mind, I reject the view from authors of The Daily Stoic, who state (page 336):

It’s no wonder that the Stoics are popular with those in twelve-step programs. It’s also clear that this wisdom is beneficial to us all. You don’t have to believe there is a god directing the universe, you just need to stop believing that you’re that director.

As soon as you can attune your spirit to that idea, the easier and happier your life will be, because you will have given up the most potent addiction of all: control.

REBT, into which Ellis interwove Stoicism, focuses on what a person can control (e.g., one’s own reaction to undesirable events) and influence (e.g., attempting to persuade other people). In arguably most cases regarding one’s lifetime, the ability to influence others is exceedingly low.

Therefore, REBT practitioners invite people to consider what they can control. This is the antithesis of letting go of control, as per authors of The Daily Stoic. Specifically, consideration of whether or not one can control one’s own reaction to events has nothing to do with godliness.

Rather, it’s a matter of humanistically self-empowering oneself to effect change in the interest of rational living. You “let go” of what little control you have in this life, at your own peril. Thus, if inviting people not to practice personal ownership is what Stoicism is about, then count me out!

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, Designed by Magnific, fair use

References:

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Hollings, D. (2024, February 14). Insufferable vs. undesirable. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/insufferable-vs-undesirable

Hollings, D. (2024, January 2). Interests and goals. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/interests-and-goals

Hollings, D. (2026, February 8). Is It Desire, or Is It Love? Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/is-it-desire-or-is-it-love

Hollings, D. (2022, August 31). Iss-me vs. iss-you. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/iss-me-vs-iss-you

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Hollings, D. (2026, March 11). Just the facts. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/just-the-facts

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Hollings, D. (2025, August 13). Rational versus irrational thoughts and beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-versus-irrational-thoughts-and-beliefs

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Hollings, D. (2024, December 5). Reasoning. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/reasoning

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Hollings, D. (2023, February 17). Revisiting the circle of control. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/revisiting-the-circle-of-control

Hollings, D. (2025, December 31). Sanctum: A focus on irrationality. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/sanctum-a-focus-on-irrationality

Hollings, D. (2025, January 15). Satisfaction. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/satisfaction

Hollings, D. (2026, February 25). Self-confidence versus self-esteem: Modest confidence. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-confidence-versus-self-esteem-modest-confidence

Hollings, D. (2025, January 6). Self-downing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-downing

Hollings, D. (2024, June 5). Self-help. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-help

Hollings, D. (2025, November 14). Show me a Stoic. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/show-me-a-stoic

Hollings, D. (2024, March 24). Smartphone and social media addiction. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/smartphone-and-social-media-addiction

Hollings, D. (2025, December 24). Some people advocate walking. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/some-people-advocate-walking

Hollings, D. (2024, April 21). Stoicism. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/stoicism

Hollings, D. (2025, October 19). Surprise and embarrassment. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/surprise-and-embarrassment

Hollings, D. (2023, October 17). Syllogism. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/syllogism

Hollings, D. (2026, April 12). The Cartesian crisis: What do I control? What do I influence? Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/ the-cartesian-crisis-what-do-i-control-what-do-i-influence

Hollings, D. (2025, October 22). The construct. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-construct

Hollings, D. (2022, December 14). The is-ought problem. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-is-ought-problem

Hollings, D. (2023, August 6). The science. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-science

Hollings, D. (2026, June 22). The secret is to win: The only sane response to tyranny. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-secret-is-to-win-the-only-sane-response-to-tyranny

Hollings, D. (2026, April 23). The three traditionally identified components of the mind: Affect, cognition, and conation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-three-traditionally-identified-components-of-the-mind-affect-cognition-and-conation

Hollings, D. (2025, November 9). The true measure of wisdom. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-true-measure-of-wisdom

Hollings, D. (2024, February 6). This ride inevitably ends. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/this-ride-inevitably-ends

Hollings, D. (2025, February 28). To try is my goal. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/to-try-is-my-goal

Hollings, D. (2026, March 14). Trolley problem: Distress or disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/trolley-problem-distress-or-disturbance

Hollings, D. (2024, October 20). Unconditional acceptance redux. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-acceptance-redux

Hollings, D. (2023, March 11). Unconditional life-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-life-acceptance

Hollings, D. (2023, February 25). Unconditional other-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-other-acceptance

Hollings, D. (2023, March 1). Unconditional self-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-self-acceptance

Hollings, D. (2026, February 17). Unexpected strings: Escapism and avoidance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unexpected-strings-escapism-and-avoidance

Hollings, D. (2023, October 22). Unfalsifiability. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unfalsifiability

Hollings, D. (2026, May 26). We aren’t all the same. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/we-aren-t-all-the-same

Hollings, D. (2026, February 1). Wielding power in harmony with nature. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/wielding-power-in-harmony-with-nature

Hollings, D. (2024, July 3). What equality? Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/what-equality

Hollings, D. (2025, April 22). What is within your ability to control? Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/what-is-within-your-ability-to-control

Hollings, D. (2023, October 10). When others don’t share your worldview. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/when-others-don-t-share-your-worldview

Hollings, D. (2026, April 30). Willfully stuck: I’m stuck in my ways. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/willfully-stuck-i-m-stuck-in-my-ways

Hollings, D. (2026, March 8). You are not your beliefs or ideas. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/you-are-not-your-beliefs-or-ideas

Hollings, D. (2025, October 20). You need to stop. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/ you-need-to-stop

Hollings, D. (2026, March 26). You’ll have suffered twice. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/you-ll-have-suffered-twice

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