Till It’s Gone: Self-Reliance and Personal Ownership Regarding the Past
On his third studio album, Love Story (2015), rapper, singer, songwriter, and record producer Yelawolf released the song “Till It’s Gone”, which was produced by WLPWR. On the chorus and hook, Yelawolf sings:
Ain’t much I can do, but I do what I can
But I’m not a fool, there’s no need to pretend
Just because you got yourself in some shit
It doesn’t mean I have to come deal with it
You handle your own when you become a man
And become a man when you handle your own
Ain’t much I can do, but I do what I can
But what can I do, if I do till it’s gone
Oh, oh, till it’s gone [x3]
Oh, oh, but what can I do, if I do till it’s gone
Arguably, the track addresses the concept of self-reliance—reliance (dependence or confidence based on experience) on one’s own efforts and abilities. Herein, I’ll discuss how this matter relates to personal (relating to the person) ownership (the quality or state of being accountable).
As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) was formed by the late psychologist Albert Ellis, who reportedly developed the first cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) psychotherapeutic modality in 1955, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding his book, Ask Albert Ellis?: Straight Answers and Sound Advice from America’s Best-Known Psychologist.
When practicing REBT, advocating self-reliance, I use personal responsibility and accountability (collectively “ownership”). For improved understanding, responsibility is defined as the quality or state of being responsible, such as a moral, legal, or mental accountability.
Here, “responsible” is defined as liable to be called to account as the primary cause, motive, or agent, and being able to answer for one’s conduct and obligations—something, such as the demands of conscience or custom, that obligates one to a course of action.
Also, “accountable” is defined as subject to giving an account—a statement explaining one’s conduct. Accountability is defined as the quality or state of being accountable, especially regarding an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions.
When providing psychoeducational lessons on REBT, a psychotherapeutic modality which arguably requires that one preferably should take personal ownership in order to reduce self-distress or self-disturbance, I lean heavily on both responsibility and accountability.
This is because I maintain that people have personal agency (a person’s ability to control one’s own reactions to activating events which are beyond one’s own dominion, especially when one’s response is limited by someone or something else). This is a matter of self-empowerment.
Disempoweringly, some people to whom I’ve provided care for mental, emotional, and behavioral health (collectively “mental health”) reject a Yelawolf-esque perspective on self-reliance and personal ownership. For instance, the past is viewed as having power over people.
To provide a meaningful example, I’ll discuss my own former view which was irrational (not in accordance with both logic and reason). After all, there was a time when I didn’t practice REBT and unhelpfully rejected the concepts of self-reliance and personal ownership regarding the past.
Now, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the event itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.
Noteworthy, with virtually any undesirable Action that occurs, it’s your unfavorable Beliefs which cause unpleasant distress or disturbance (Consequence). Given this framing of self-distress and self-disturbance, it’s worth noting that one REBT source states (page 71):
REBT conceptualizes [distress] as healthy even though it is intense. Other approaches to therapy have as their goal the reduction of the intensity of negative emotions. They take this position because they do not keenly differentiate between healthy negative emotions (distress) and unhealthy negative emotions (disturbance).
Now, REBT keenly distinguishes between healthy distress and unhealthy disturbance. Healthy distress stems from your rational beliefs about a negative activating event [Action], whilst disturbance stems from your irrational beliefs about the same event.
Complete elimination of distress is highly unlikely in an impermanent and uncertain world, wherein people conceptually suffer, struggle, and battle with, or merely experience hardship. Still, individuals often make matters worse for themselves by disturbing about such instances.
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to distress or disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive scripts, think of the acronym GLAD.
Additionally, from a psychological standpoint, people distress or disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.
From an A-C worldview, I was frequently kicked out of homes in my youth and fired from jobs in early adulthood (Action), as I had ample evidence that I was unwanted (Consequence). However, it was my B-C outlook that caused negative, but unhealthy sadness regarding the past.
For example, I was frequently rejected (Action), Believed, “I’m unlovable and unlikable [G], and I can’t bear that I’m this way [L], as it’s horrible to be rejected [A], so I mustn’t be as I so clearly am [D],” and I then experienced negative, but unhealthy sadness (Consequence).
Time after time, for many years, I was rejected. Again and again, from a retrospective view, I used this unfavorable GLAD Belief that resulted in an unpleasant Consequence. There was no self-reliance or personal ownership regarding the past, as I concluded that I was mistreated.
Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.
Noteworthy, REBT additionally uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).
With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).
The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.
Had I used self-reliance and personal ownership regarding the past, as it pertained to my circle of control and USA, I would’ve admitted that although I was a fallible human being, I wasn’t wholly unlovable or unlikeable. Even if I were, I could’ve accepted myself unconditionally.
Regarding my circle of influence and UOA, I would’ve acknowledged that those who rejected me were well within their right to do so. After all, I wasn’t entitled to the affection or acceptance of others. While it may’ve been pleasant to have been accepted, it wasn’t a requirement of life.
Concerning my circle of concern and ULA, I would’ve known that there have rarely been times in my life when self-reliance wasn’t necessary. Though easy to blame others for my reactions, I could’ve taken personal ownership of the moment, till it’s gone, and it became the past.
As for my area of no concern, an imaginary realm in which everyone is always accepted, no matter what, that’s the irrationality used by a child. Even in my youth, when frequently kicked out of homes, that sort of illogical and unreasonable nonsense wouldn’t have helped me much.
Currently, I practice and advocate self-reliance and personal ownership regarding the past. However, some clients unproductively cling to the past, blaming everything but their own B-C connections for their own unpleasant reactions. Regarding this matter, Ellis stated (page 28):
We probably cling to the past when we examine our lives for several reasons:
1. It seems logical for us to assume that because the past, along with our views of it, did once affect us, it always will.
2. We are prone, as humans, to believe that events contributed to our disturbance in the past, and that by themselves made us disturbed.
3. Several important theories of disturbance, such as psychoanalysis, and behavioral conditioning, strongly – and somewhat inaccurately – convince us of the crucial importance of the past.
4. We like to believe that external events, including past ones, caused us to be upset, rather than take partial responsibility for creating our upsetness ourselves. So believing this to be true is something of a copout.
5. We prefer to believe that past events upset us and that merely understanding how they did so will easily and automatically get us to change. This kind of insight has its advantages, but we still have to modify our present thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in order to effectively change.
What will you do in the present moment, as you experience undesirable Actions, till it’s gone? Will you childishly blame others for your unpleasant Consequences, or will you practice self-reliance and personal ownership regarding the past, as this moment lapses into that moment?
Ellis rationally advocated that we cause ourselves disturbance though use of an unfavorable B-C connection. Likewise, Yelawolf stated, “You handle your own when you become a man, and become a man when you handle your own.” Both views relate to self-reliance.
All the same, if you don’t take personal ownership for your own outcomes, then you’ll likely continue self-disturbing in that moment, this moment, and the moments to come. Therefore, till your life’s gone, I invite you to practice self-reliance and personal ownership for all moments!
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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Dryden, W. and Neenan, M. (2006). Rational emotive behaviour therapy: 100 key points and techniques. Routledge. Retrieved from https://img1.wsimg.com/blobby/go/4b0e2552-2a18-4998-b44f-3a993148f7ac/downloads/REBT%202.pdf?ver=1627365797554
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Hollings, D. (2024, May 27). Intellectual vs. emotional insight. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/intellectual-vs-emotional-insight
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Hollings, D. (2026, February 21). The preferences versus expectations paradigm: Love is not enough, though virtue is. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-preferences-versus-expectations-paradigm-love-is-not-enough-though-virtue-is
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