Estrangement and Negative, but Healthy Grief, Bereavement, and Mourning
KJ’s MVA – Estrangement, Grief, Bereavement, and Mourning
In 2014, my estranged friend Kim-Jade (“KJ”) died in a motor vehicle accident (MVA). As we’d lost touch in either 2012 or 2013, a mutual friend of Kim-Jade’s notified me of her passing. Because of my perspective on death, I didn’t experience grief, bereavement, or mourning.
For context, the American Psychological Association (APA) defines estrangement as “a state of increased distance or separation from oneself or others [i.e., alienation]” and “a significant decrease or discontinuation of contact with individuals with whom one formerly had close relationships, such as a spouse or family member, due to apathy or antagonism.”
Notably, as I practice Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I didn’t endure deep sadness (an emotional state of unhappiness, ranging in intensity from mild to extreme and usually aroused by the loss of something that is highly valued [e.g., by the rupture of a relationship]).
Within the field of professional care for mental, emotional, and behavioral health (collectively “mental health”), it’s generally understood that sadness (i.e., sorrow) is a key component of grief. For context, the APA thusly defines grief:
[T]he anguish experienced after significant loss, usually the death of a beloved person. Grief is often distinguished from bereavement and mourning.
Not all bereavements result in a strong grief response, and not all grief is given public expression (see disenfranchised grief). Grief often includes physiological distress, separation anxiety, confusion, yearning, obsessive dwelling on the past, and apprehension about the future.
Intense grief can become life-threatening through disruption of the immune system, self-neglect, and suicidal thoughts. Grief may also take the form of regret for something lost, remorse for something done, or sorrow for a mishap to oneself.
Regarding KJ, the circumstances which led to our estrangement played a factor in why I didn’t experience grief when she died. Likewise, the manner in which I was raised played a significant role. Still, REBT largely contributed to my response. Now, the APA thusly defines bereavement:
[T]he condition of having lost a loved one to death. The bereaved person may experience emotional pain and distress (see grief; traumatic grief) and may or may not express this distress to others (see mourning; disenfranchised grief); individual grief and mourning responses vary. Bereavement may also signify a change in social status (e.g., from wife to widow).
Whereas one may experience grief when merely losing something or someone (e.g., the estrangement of a close friendship), bereavement specifically regards having “lost a loved one to death,” per the APA. Now, the APA thusly defines mourning:
[T]he process of feeling or expressing grief following the death of a loved one, or the period during which this occurs. It typically involves apathy and dejection, loss of interest in the outside world, and diminution in activity and initiative. These reactions are similar to depression but are less persistent and are not considered pathological.
Other mourning reactions may include anger (e.g., toward the deceased for dying); a sense of relief (e.g., that the deceased is no longer suffering); anxiety about the repercussions of losing someone upon whom the bereaved may have depended; and physical signs (e.g., fatigue, loss of appetite).
Similar to how bereavement concerns death, mourning regards the emotional experience or expression of this sentiment “following the death of a loved one,” per the APA. Thus, one may grieve the estrangement of a friend, yet this doesn’t involve bereavement or mourning.
In the case of KJ’s MVA, I observed people expressing grief, bereavement, and mourning after she died, to include people who were also apparently estranged from her. Regarding an REBT approach to mental health, such negative emotions are considered healthy. Allow me to explain.
REBT
REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.
Noteworthy, with virtually any undesirable Action that occurs, it’s your unfavorable Beliefs which cause unpleasant distress or disturbance (Consequence). Given this framing of self-distress and self-disturbance, it’s worth noting that one REBT source states (page 71):
REBT conceptualizes [distress] as healthy even though it is intense. Other approaches to therapy have as their goal the reduction of the intensity of negative emotions. They take this position because they do not keenly differentiate between healthy negative emotions (distress) and unhealthy negative emotions (disturbance).
Now, REBT keenly distinguishes between healthy distress and unhealthy disturbance. Healthy distress stems from your rational beliefs about a negative activating event [Action], whilst disturbance stems from your irrational beliefs about the same event.
Complete elimination of distress is highly unlikely in an impermanent and uncertain world wherein people conceptually suffer, struggle, and battle with, or merely experience hardship. Still, individuals often make matters worse for themselves by disturbing about such instances.
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to distress or disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive scripts, think of the acronym GLAD.
Additionally, from a psychological standpoint, people distress or disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.
From an A-C view, KJ was involved in an MVA (Action), leaving two people dead and one seriously injured (Consequence). However, regarding the B-C connection, news of KJ’s death isn’t what caused unhealthy disturbance or healthy distress. Beliefs produced this reaction.
As an example, KJ died (Action), hypothetical person X Believed, “Life is meaningless when a 23-year-old mother’s life is suddenly taken [G], and I can’t stand it [L], because it’s awful [A] and shouldn’t ever happen in a just world [D],” and person X then endured rage (Consequence).
Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.
Now, rage may be a negative and healthy reaction in some situations. For instance, someone illegally enters my home and my nonconscious rational Beliefs cause rage and behavior which results in homicide (a killing of one human being by another).
This isn’t the same negative and unhealthy reaction of rage that results in murder (the crime of unlawfully and unjustifiably killing a person), as caused by conscious irrational Beliefs. My professional mental health peers are welcome to disagree.
In any event, regarding the aforementioned scenario involving hypothetical person X, an irrational Belief caused a negative, though unhealthy reaction. For the sake of illustration, suppose that person X instead used a rational Effective new belief about KJ’s death.
“I wish KJ hadn’t died at such a young age,” person X may conclude, “though wishcasting isn’t going to bring KJ back. Therefore, I can accept this undesirable event without use of unhelpful conditions,” as negative, but healthy grief, bereavement, or mourning would then result.
Worth noting, given person X’s Effective belief, REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).
With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).
The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.
Regarding the circle of control and USA, person X may’ve admitted that all one controlled in response to KJ’s death was one’s own reaction. Concerning the circle of influence and UOA, estranged person X could’ve also reasoned that people sometimes drift apart from one another.
Relating to the circle of concern and ULA, person X probably acknowledged that death is inescapable—even for young mothers. As for the area of no concern, an imaginary realm in which no one dies, person X would’ve done well not to entertain such absurd notions.
Stoicism
As REBT is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.
The authors quote ancient Stoic philosopher Seneca, who stated, “It’s better to conquer grief than to deceive it” (page 370). For the sake of argument, I’ll grant the premise concerning a notion of being able to “conquer” a negative and healthy emotion which is caused by rational Beliefs.
After all, it isn’t uncommon for people to senselessly view matters of grief, bereavement, and mourning as emotional responses warranting proverbial battles (e.g., she lost her battle with cancer). Unless one dies in a literal battle, I’m generally unwilling to entertain such nonsense.
Nevertheless, I comprehend that many people apparently prefer to conceptualize life in competition with death. Thus, for now, I’ll momentarily entertain this asinine notion. Favorably, authors of The Daily Stoic assume a rational outlook about death, as they state (page 370):
We’ve all lost people we were close to—a friend, a colleague, a parent, a grandparent. While we were suffering from our grief, some well-meaning person did their best to take our mind off it or make us think about something else for a couple hours. However kind, these gestures are misguided.
KJ wasn’t in a battle with the car that stuck the vehicle in which she was riding, any more than a person is at war with cancer or some other form of illness. Still, it isn’t uncommon for people who senselessly conceptualize life in competition with death to offer their meaningless gestures.
For example, a common phrase to take one’s mind off of one’s own inescapable death is to say “thoughts and prayers” to an aggrieved party. In my view, rather than dealing with negative, but healthy grief, bereavement, and mourning, these empty gestures shroud objective reality.
Particularly, everyone you’ve ever known, currently know, or may ever know will unavoidably die. This includes those from whom you’re estranged, as well as those to whom you’re close. I’m speaking truth about reality herein. Similarly, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 370):
The Stoics are stereotyped as suppressing their emotions, but their philosophy was actually intended to teach us to face, process, and deal with emotions immediately instead of running from them.
Tempting as it is to deceive yourself or hide from a powerful emotion like grief—by telling yourself and other people that you’re fine—awareness and understanding are better. Distraction might be pleasant in the short term—by going to gladiatorial games, as a Roman might have done, for example. Focusing is better in the long term.
When I received news of KJ’s fatal MVA, I focused on what I could control—my reaction to the undesirable Action. Stoically, I maintained my composure, though I experienced negative and healthy disappointment caused by rational Beliefs. Shortly thereafter, I experienced indifference.
The same healthy reactions (i.e., disappointment and indifference) will likely result when I receive word of deaths regarding others from whom I’m currently estranged. That’s life, as well as death! Regarding this healthy outlook, authors of The Daily Stoic conclude (page 370):
That means facing it now. Process and parse what you are feeling. Remove your expectations, your entitlements, your sense of having been wronged. Find the positive in the situation, but also sit with your pain and accept it, remembering that it is a part of life. That’s how one conquers grief.
Remember, I stated that I was willing to momentarily entertain the asinine notion of conquering grief—with conceptualization of life in competition with death. Now, I’m ending this transitory practice. You don’t conquer grief or death. Stating otherwise is a matter of a juvenile worldview.
Grief, bereavement, and mourning are negative, but healthy reactions caused by your rational Beliefs about death. Therefore, it’s unnecessary to behave as a child, deceiving yourself about the inevitability of death or distracting yourself or others regarding this universal occurrence.
Conclusion
I was estranged from KJ, someone to whom I was once relatively close, when I received notification of her death in 2014. Because of the circumstances of our estrangement, the views up with which I was raised, and REBT, I didn’t experience deep sadness when she died.
Likewise, I didn’t endure negative, but healthy grief, bereavement, or mourning. Admittedly, I temporarily experienced negative and healthy disappointment, though I quickly endured healthy indifference thereafter. I was able to achieve this desired reaction through the practice of REBT.
Similarly, I used Stoicism to immediately deal with death, rather than distracting myself or others regarding an inescapable end to existence. Noteworthy, death isn’t something to be conquered, nor are grief, bereavement, and mourning. After all, these are natural occurrences.
If you choose to give undesirable experiences power over you, mainly through use of irrational Beliefs, then you may as well acknowledge that you’re opting to forgo empowerment in favor of disempowerment. Is that truly how you want to spend the remainder of your time in life?
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
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Hollings, D. (2026, April 5). Wishcasting. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/wishcasting
Hollings, D. (2024, April 17). Wishes, dreams, and goals. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/wishes-dreams-and-goals
Hollings, D. (2025, July 22). You almost always end up with regret. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/you-almost-always-end-up-with-regret
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