Parenting With Intergenerational Trauma: Healthily Coping With Negative Events
I appreciate that lyricist Awon collaborated with music producer Phoniks on the album Nothing Less (2021). In particular, I reminisce upon the song “Fatherhood”, which was produced by DJ Eveready. Through a mix of various audio samples and Awon’s contribution, the chorus states:
Be a father (inspiration when I write, I see my daughter’s eyes)
Be a father (resurrect through the birth of my son, and live again)
Fatherhood, it ain’t nothin’ like it
Baby born, and you’re so excited
Firs steps, first words, you’re so delighted
But when their life really starts, then you’re frightened
In this vein, a personal anecdote comes to mind. In Making Misfortune Heavier by Complaining About It, I stated, “I was taught to provide for and protect myself, my family, the community in which I lived, and others as necessary. This was said to have been the mark of a man.”
Although I endured years of traumatic experiences regarding my biological mom and dad, I believed what they taught me about being a man. Specifically, if providing and protecting were to be my role from boyhood to manhood, then I promised myself to do better than they did.
Of course, a child knows little about the lived experience of an adult. I was told that my parents (those who beget or bring forth offspring) had their own traumatic experiences in childhood, yet I was ignorant (lacking of knowledge, education, or awareness) about such effects on parenting.
For context, the American Psychological Association (APA) succinctly defines parenting as “all actions related to the raising of offspring.” Given the perspective on “Fatherhood”, I supposed that both of my parents were excited, delighted, and frightened by their beliefs about parenthood.
Nevertheless, my mom and dad were said to have endured years of childhood trauma, which the APA defines as “any disturbing experience that results in significant fear, helplessness, dissociation, confusion, or other disruptive feelings intense enough to have a long-lasting negative effect on a person’s attitudes, behavior, and other aspects of functioning.”
More presciently, my parents arguably experienced intergenerational trauma, which the APA defines as “the transmission of trauma or its legacy, in the form of a psychological consequence of an injury or attack, poverty, and so forth, from the generation experiencing the trauma to subsequent generations.”
When parenting with intergenerational trauma, my parents were likely ignorant about the cycle of violence, which one source describes as “repeated and dangerous acts of violence as a cyclical pattern, associated with high emotions and doctrines of retribution or revenge” which is “learned as a child, and then repeated as an adult.”
If I didn’t have the favorable opportunity to reside in a children’s home during middle and high school, then I, too, probably would’ve lacked knowledge, education, or awareness about intergenerational trauma and the cycle of violence, yet I learned a lot in the children’s home.
Also, a family with whom I attended church services allowed me to live with them at one point, affording me a chance to discover improved health, which the APA defines as “the condition of one’s mind, body, and spirit, the idea being freedom from illness, injury, pain, and distress.”
Unhelpfully, my ignorance about mental, emotional, and behavioral health (collectively “mental health”) precluded me from challenging my unhealthy (not conducive to health) beliefs about what I’d learned prior to living in a children’s home. Regarding this, a lesson comes to mind.
As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) was formed by the late psychologist Albert Ellis, who reportedly developed the first cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) psychotherapeutic modality in 1955, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding his book, Ask Albert Ellis?: Straight Answers and Sound Advice from America’s Best-Known Psychologist.
Now, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the event itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.
Noteworthy, with virtually any undesirable Action that occurs, it’s your unfavorable Beliefs which cause unpleasant distress or disturbance (Consequence). Given this framing of self-distress and self-disturbance, it’s worth noting that one REBT source states (page 71):
REBT conceptualizes [distress] as healthy even though it is intense. Other approaches to therapy have as their goal the reduction of the intensity of negative emotions. They take this position because they do not keenly differentiate between healthy negative emotions (distress) and unhealthy negative emotions (disturbance).
Now, REBT keenly distinguishes between healthy distress and unhealthy disturbance. Healthy distress stems from your rational beliefs about a negative activating event [Action], whilst disturbance stems from your irrational beliefs about the same event.
Complete elimination of distress is highly unlikely in an impermanent and uncertain world, wherein people conceptually suffer, struggle, and battle with, or merely experience hardship. Still, individuals often make matters worse for themselves by disturbing about such instances.
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to distress or disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive scripts, think of the acronym GLAD.
Additionally, from a psychological standpoint, people distress or disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.
From an A-C view, my mom and dad plausibly endured symptoms of chronic posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD; Action), and they both parented me by way of traumatic experiences in my childhood (Consequence). Still, it was a B-C connection that caused my suffering.
I was repeatedly abused (Action), Believed, “I’m unlovable [G], and I can’t bear to live [L], as it’s horrendous for my own parents not to have loved me [A], so I mustn’t accept love from anyone else [D],” as I then experienced negative, but unhealthy aversion to love (Consequence).
Noteworthy, I stated in No Time for That, “It was an ex-girlfriend from my time in high school who named me Tin Man. When she expressed a desire to one day marry me, I terminated our intimate partner relationship in a knee-jerk fashion.” That moniker stemmed from my B-C view.
Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.
As I’d learned about the effects of intergenerational trauma when living in a children’s home, my B-C disturbance prevented me from properly loving and being loved throughout my adolescence and early adulthood, impacting my ability to provide and protect. Worth noting, my mom and dad weren’t to blame for my reaction.
Even when removed from their care (or lack thereof), my B-C self-narrative perpetuated intergenerational trauma scripts and produced a cycle of violence regarding my own unproductive behavior. This matter was no more obvious than during my marriage.
The woman to whom I was married had a daughter from a previous marriage – six-months-old from the time that I was introduced to her, as it was the week of her fifth birthday that I last saw her after my divorce proceedings were filed. May it never be said that I was a perfect stepdad!
All the same, while my ex-wife’s account of my actions as a husband and stepdad are significantly dissimilar to my interpretation of events, I acknowledge that unhealthy B-C narratives carried into adulthood from childhood correlated with an inability to properly cope.
For context, the APA defines coping as “the use of cognitive and behavioral strategies to manage the demands of a situation when these are appraised as taxing or exceeding one’s resources or to reduce the negative emotions and conflict caused by stress. See also coping strategy.”
For clarity, the APA defines an event as “any occurrence or phenomenon that has a definite beginning and end and that involves or produces change.” Therefore, a negative (lacking positive qualities) event is tantamount to an undesirable Action in the ABC model.
During my marriage, I lacked the ability to cope with the unpleasant outcomes of my B-C attitude toward life in general. Therefore, when I appraised events as negative, I wasn’t prepared to adequately engage in effective problem-solving measures. Of this, Ellis stated (page 27):
No, a person with no self-destructive beliefs – which would be rare! – would not be needlessly anxious, depressed, enraged, or self-downing. But he or she would often be quite sorry, sad, disappointed, and frustrated about unfortunate life events.
These are hardly happy feelings! But they help the person cope healthily with negative events, try to change them, and look for as much happiness as she or he can find in spite of adversities. Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) shows people how to ward off panic and depression, to still feel sorrow and regret when negative events occur, and to find some kind of enjoyment even when life is very negatively colored.
I knew nothing about REBT when experiencing traumatic events in childhood, residing in a children home, living with a non-biological family in high school, or when starting my own family in early adulthood. During all of those times, I experienced negative events.
Unfavorably, I didn’t cope in a healthy manner. As such, I didn’t properly provide and protect my family. Nevertheless, my mom and dad – who engaged in parenting with intergenerational trauma – weren’t the cause of my unhealthy inability to cope with negative events.
I take personal responsibility and accountability (collectively “ownership”) for how I unhealthily reacted when failing to adequately cope prior to learning of REBT. Therefore, if my former stepdaughter negatively appraises me or my behavior, then I’ll own my reaction to that, as well.
This will be done by noting that REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).
Whereas the ABC model is a scientific approach to wellness, UA serves as a philosophical method for un-disturbing yourself. I view the former as an abortive approach to disturbance and the latter as a preventative method. Of course, not all REBT practitioners use the same style as I.
With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).
The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.
Regarding my circle of control and USA, I acknowledge that I’m a fallible human being who experienced intergenerational trauma. Concerning my circle of influence and UOA, I admit that my mom and dad perpetuated a cycle of violence, likely due to undiagnosed PTSD.
Relating to my circle of concern and ULA, I realize that the past is passed, so I cannot undo any of the unhealthy coping behaviors I exhibited when raising my stepdaughter. Pertaining to my area of no concern, a realm in which no trauma exists, I don’t bother with such nonsense.
Unfortunately, parenting with intergenerational trauma isn’t all that uncommon. Nonetheless, healthily coping with negative events is something that can be learned – irrespective of whether or not you were taught a cycle of violence. For some of us, this lesson came too late.
Is this the case for you, or is there still time to make adequate changes for proper reactions in your life? Apparently, for Awon, being excited, delighted, or frightened by beliefs about parenthood may prove as subjectively good or bad as raising children will ever get.
Not all of us are as fortunate! Thus, for those impacted by intergenerational trauma, we can take personal ownership by improving our mental health outcomes, and healthily coping with negative events—of which there are plausibly many! Are you ready to begin healthily coping?
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
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Hollings, D. (2025, October 13). Knowledge, wisdom, understanding. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/knowledge-wisdom-understanding
Hollings, D. (2026, May 31). Let freedom ring, and then go rest high on that mountain. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/let-freedom-ring-and-then-go-rest-high-on-that-mountain
Hollings, D. (2025, January 14). Level of functioning and quality of life. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/level-of-functioning-and-quality-of-life
Hollings, D. (2023, September 19). Life coaching. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/life-coaching
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Hollings, D. (2023, September 8). Lived experience. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/lived-experience
Hollings, D. (2022, December 2). Low frustration tolerance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/low-frustration-tolerance
Hollings, D. (2025, December 30). Making misfortune heavier by complaining about it. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/making-misfortune-heavier-by-complaining-about-it
Hollings, D. (2024, March 4). Mental, emotional, and behavioral health. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/mental-emotional-and-behavioral-health
Hollings, D. (2025, November 16). Mental health, mental illness, and mental disorder. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/mental-health-mental-illness-and-mental-disorder
Hollings, D. (2026, March 7). Mind, body, and soul. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/mind-body-soul
Hollings, D. (2026, February 16). Moral panic: The irrationality of slogans such as “believe women” and “believe victims”. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/moral-panic-the-irrationality-of-slogans-such-as-believe-women-and-believe-victims
Hollings, D. (2024, September 27). My attitude. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/my-attitude
Hollings, D. (2025, August 2). My philosophy. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/my-philosophy
Hollings, D. (2024, November 3). Neurotic anxiety and fear. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/neurotic-anxiety-and-fear
Hollings, D. (2024, December 7). No time for that. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/no-time-for-that
Hollings, D. (2024, May 30). Nobody’s perfect. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/nobody-s-perfect
Hollings, D. (2026, June 9). Nonsense: It’s plainly pride. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/nonsense-it-s-plainly-pride
Hollings, D. (2026, September 18). On feelings… again. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-feelings-again
Hollings, D. (2026, April 19). Outcome: Victim mentality and playing the victim. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/outcome-victim-mentality-and-playing-the-victim
Hollings, D. (2026, April 26). Pain away: Learned helplessness. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/pain-away-learned-helplessness
Hollings, D. (2024, December 3). Pardon you for disrupting. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/pardon-you-for-disrupting
Hollings, D. (2025, April 9). Perception, action, and will. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/perception-action-and-will
Hollings, D. (2022, November 7). Personal ownership. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/personal-ownership
Hollings, D. (2025, September 9). Personal responsibility and accountability. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/personal-responsibility-and-accountability
Hollings, D. (2024, July 20). Perspective shift. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/perspective-shift
Hollings, D. (2026, May 9). Political violence: Freedom’s got a shotgun. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/political-violence-freedom-s-got-a-shotgun
Hollings, D. (2025, November 13). Problem solving in regard to anger: How to eat an elephant. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/problem-solving-in-regard-to-anger-how-to-eat-an-elephant
Hollings, D. (2025, May 11). Proper education. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/proper-education
Hollings, D. (2023, September 15). Psychotherapeutic modalities. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapeutic-modalities
Hollings, D. (2024, May 5). Psychotherapist. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapist
Hollings, D. (2022, March 24). Rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-emotive-behavior-therapy-rebt
Hollings, D. (2025, August 13). Rational versus irrational thoughts and beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-versus-irrational-thoughts-and-beliefs
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Hollings, D. (2024, March 14). REBT and emotions. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rebt-and-emotions
Hollings, D. (2024, July 18). REBT flexibility. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rebt-flexibility
Hollings, D. (2026, October 8). Retroactive revocation of consent: Regret isn’t tantamount to sexual assault and rape. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/retroactive-revocation-of-consent-regret-isn-t-tantamount-to-sexual-assault-and-rape
Hollings, D. (2023, February 17). Revisiting the circle of control. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/revisiting-the-circle-of-control
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Hollings, D. (2025, October 9). Self-awareness, self-examination, and self-determination. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-awareness-self-examination-and-self-determination
Hollings, D. (2026, July 7). Self-distress and distress tolerance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-distress-and-distress-tolerance
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Hollings, D. (2024, January 6). Self-inflicted insult to injury. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-inflicted-insult-to-injury
Hollings, D. (2026, April 21). Self-upset. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-upset
Hollings, D. (2024, October 17). Stress-testing intimate partner relationships. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/stress-testing-intimate-partner-relationships
Hollings, D. (2024, February 27). Suffering, struggling, and battling vs. experiencing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/suffering-struggling-and-battling-vs-experiencing
Hollings, D. (2022, December 23). The A-C connection. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-a-c-connection
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Hollings, D. (2026, April 23). The effect of affect. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-effect-of-affect
Hollings, D. (2025, February 13). The past is passed. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-past-is-passed
Hollings, D. (2026, April 23). The three traditionally identified components of the mind: Affect, cognition, and conation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-three-traditionally-identified-components-of-the-mind-affect-cognition-and-conation
Hollings, D. (2025, April 15). This cake smells unpleasant. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/this-cake-smells-unpleasant
Hollings, D. (2026, June 5). To offend and endure offense: Você tem chulé. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/to-offend-and-endure-offense-você-tem-chulé
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Hollings, D. (2025, April 18). Tolerable FAD. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/tolerable-fad
Hollings, D. (2025, January 9). Traditional ABC model. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/traditional-abc-model
Hollings, D. (2026, March 14). Trolley problem: Distress or disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/trolley-problem-distress-or-disturbance
Hollings, D. (2024, October 20). Unconditional acceptance redux. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-acceptance-redux
Hollings, D. (2023, March 11). Unconditional life-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-life-acceptance
Hollings, D. (2023, February 25). Unconditional other-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-other-acceptance
Hollings, D. (2023, March 1). Unconditional self-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-self-acceptance
Hollings, D. (2024, March 18). Unhealthy vs. healthy negative emotions. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unhealthy-vs-healthy-negative-emotions
Hollings, D. (2024, October 26). Unhelpful expectations. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unhelpful-expectations
Hollings, D. (2025, July 18). We decide whether to label something good or bad. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/ we-decide-whether-to-label-something-good-or-bad
Hollings, D. (2024, September 29). Well, well, well. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/well-well-well
Hollings, D. (2025, January 10). Who is the one to blame? Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/who-is-the-one-to-blame
Hollings, D. (2026, August 2). Why bother? Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/why-bother
Hollings, D. (2026, August 19). Wisdom and acting justly are one and the same. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/wisdom-and-acting-justly-are-one-and-the-same
Hollings, D. (2026, March 8). You are not your beliefs or ideas. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/you-are-not-your-beliefs-or-ideas
Hollings, D. (2026, March 26). You’ll have suffered twice. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/you-ll-have-suffered-twice
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