Spilled Milk: Tolerance and Acceptance

[DISCLAIMER]

I invite you to consider that one source states, “We’ve all heard the phase before – ‘Don’t cry over spilled milk.’ It’s a classic saying meant to remind us that getting upset over things we can’t change won’t do any good,” using milk as a symbol of something valuable, yet easily lost.

Sometimes expressed as “there’s no use crying over spilled milk,” the meaning of this idiomatic expression infers that there’s no point in being upset over something that has already happened and can’t be undone. Ergo, once the proverbial milk has been spilled, there’s no use in crying.

With my approach to care for mental, emotional, and behavioral health (collectively “mental health”), I view this expression as relating to tolerance and acceptance. For context, regarding term use in this post, the American Psychological Association (APA) thusly defines tolerance:

·  acceptance of others whose actions, beliefs, physical capabilities, religion, customs, ethnicity, nationality, and so on differ from one’s own.

·  a fair and objective attitude toward points of view different from one’s own.

·  permissible or allowable deviation from a specified value or standard. —tolerant adj.

As an example, when one’s proverbial milk has already been spilled, one may as well practice tolerance of an event that cannot be undone. After all, one cannot un-spill milk. Similar to tolerance, the APA thusly defines acceptance:

·  a favorable attitude toward an idea, situation, person, or group. In the context of psychotherapy and counseling, it is the receptive, nonjudgmental attitude of therapists or counselors, which conveys an implicit respect and regard for their clients as individuals.

·  willing acknowledgment of validity or correctness. In the context of recovery from substance abuse and other addictions, it is essential for a person to accept that they have a problem before any interventions can be effective.

For example, when providing professional mental health care services and I encounter a client who insists upon crying over proverbial spilled milk, I accept—without unhelpful conditions—that people are free to gripe, whine, bitch, moan, complain, whinge, or vent if they so choose.

When contemplating spilled milk, tolerance, and acceptance, I’m reminded of the album As Above so Below (2020) from lyricist Vinnie Paz. It contains the track “Spilled Milk” that features the talented vocalist Eamon. As an aside, I thoroughly enjoy music by this pair!

In any event, Paz discusses a medical matter involving his father figure. It’s unclear as to whether or not this individual is his biological father or the stepfather Paz addressed on “Same Story (My Dedication)” (2019). Specifically, on the first verse of “Spilled Milk”, Paz states:

His first heart attack, I was six-years-old

They ain’t let me near the hospital, that shit too cold

So I waited by the door, hoping he would get home

And I was scared that he would die, and we’d be left all alone

And I remember that when mommy brought you home, I was quiet

Showing you the things around the crib, like you forgot ‘em

The doctors told you, you would be good if you would chill

So, stop smoking stogies, pop, you know they make you ill

But you ain’t want to listen, you was always being stubborn

And that’s the type of shit you let slide when you love ‘em

You ain’t changed your diet, and you stayed smoking Winston’s

You can’t make a strong-willed man change his vision

Sometimes you think something is when it isn’t

He was gonna die, and that was his decision

I could never do the same in his condition

He left three sons and a wife in that position

I imagine that Paz’s lamentation of his father figure’s decision apparently not to take better care of his health is the “spilled milk” in the song. It’s the substance of value that is now gone. On the chorus of the track, Eamon soulfully sings:

The ones we hurt when we leave

The lies we live and believe

You got to learn to step up

And be the man that they trust

In a bit, I’ll address the statement regarding “the ones we hurt when we leave [die].” For now, it’s worth noting that the term “got to” is a flexible recommendation. Essentially, Eamon recommends that one can do more to become the type of person who is beneficial to others.

When dealing with grief, bereavement, or mourning, it’s understandable how an individual would hold this perspective. In this way, one causes one’s own outcome. This, too, I’ll address in a bit. For now, I invite you to consider that on his second verse of “Spilled Milk” Paz states:

Ten-years-old, they telling me that my father[’s] dead

What the fuck was going through my father[’s] head?

He ain’t think his youngest need his father?

Had a million chances to change, but didn’t bother?

It’s like he ain’t love me enough to live

Or too selfish to make an adjustment for his kids

And you ain’t think you dying would divide us?

And you ain’t think a ten-year-old boy needed guidance?

Ain’t nobody talking, just bottle it up inside us

And shit could turn ugly when there’s no one there to guide us

It’s all good. I still love you. I forgive you

But that ain’t gon’ be something my son is gonna live through

He ain’t gonna lose me the way I lost you

‘Cause doing that to him is just something I couldn’t do

I had to change the way I was living, ‘cause I was you

The same hard head and the same worldview

I had to do a 180, and get my shit together

When you a mess, pop, it’s hard to get your shit together

But I ain’t living for myself now, it’s all for him

And I’m trying to be everything that you should have been

In my opinion, the statement “It’s all good. I still love you. I forgive you, but that ain’t gon’ be something my son is gonna live through” is an example of proper care for mental health. Precisely, Paz takes personal ownership of his own outcome regarding the death of a loved one.

When practicing Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I use personal responsibility and accountability (collectively “ownership”). For improved understanding, responsibility is defined as the quality or state of being responsible, such as a moral, legal, or mental accountability.

Here, “responsible” is defined as liable to be called to account as the primary cause, motive, or agent, and being able to answer for one’s conduct and obligations—something, such as the demands of conscience or custom, that obligates one to a course of action.

Also, “accountable” is defined as subject to giving an account—a statement explaining one’s conduct. Accountability is defined as the quality or state of being accountable, especially regarding an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions.

When providing psychoeducational lessons on REBT, a psychotherapeutic modality which arguably requires that one preferably should take personal ownership in order to reduce self-distress or self-disturbance, I lean heavily on both responsibility and accountability.

This is because I maintain that people have personal agency (a person’s ability to control one’s own reactions to activating events which are beyond one’s own dominion, especially when one’s response is limited by someone or something else). This is a matter of self-empowerment.

In the photo above is a United States Department of State employee (“Chico”) who I befriended when serving on the Marine Security Guard program in Rio de Janeiro, Brasil (1999-2000). In hindsight, unbeknownst to me, Chico was likely a spook (member of the intelligence apparatus).

At any rate, Chico and I spent a fair amount of time discussing life. Although I had a dad with whom I maintained contact throughout childhood and into middle adulthood, Chico was something like a father figure to many of the Marines in Rio, as I was no exception to this claim.

When hearing “Spilled Milk”, Chico is who comes to my mind. In particular, I lost touch with him in around 2021. He reportedly was visiting Texas, where I live, for a litany of medical examinations. “They told me I have to stop eating sugar,” Chico said, “or I’ll die.”

In this case, the term “have to” is similar to Eamon’s flexible recommendation. According to Chico, physicians told him that he recommendatorily should’ve stopped consuming sugar. However, it wasn’t as though doctors could’ve said he absolutely should’ve obeyed them.

This is similar to Paz’s admission about his father figure’s reportedly unhealthy behavior in “Spilled Milk”. In comparable fashion, regarding how Paz’s loved one apparently chose to continue his nonadaptive behavior, Chico verbalized his intent to continue eating sugar.

“I’m not going to stop,” Chico told me, “even if I lose my limbs one by one.” Just as Paz practiced tolerance and acceptance once his proverbial milk was spilled, I took personal ownership of my own reaction in this regard. Yet, for the sake of argument, let’s say I didn’t.

REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.

Noteworthy, with virtually any undesirable Action that occurs, it’s your unfavorable Beliefs which cause unpleasant distress or disturbance (Consequence). Given this framing of self-distress and self-disturbance, it’s worth noting that one REBT source states (page 71):

REBT conceptualizes [distress] as healthy even though it is intense. Other approaches to therapy have as their goal the reduction of the intensity of negative emotions. They take this position because they do not keenly differentiate between healthy negative emotions (distress) and unhealthy negative emotions (disturbance).

Now, REBT keenly distinguishes between healthy distress and unhealthy disturbance. Healthy distress stems from your rational beliefs about a negative activating event [Action], whilst disturbance stems from your irrational beliefs about the same event.

Complete elimination of distress is highly unlikely in an impermanent and uncertain world wherein people conceptually suffer, struggle, and battle with, or merely experience hardship. Still, individuals often make matters worse for themselves by disturbing about such instances.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to distress or disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive scripts, think of the acronym GLAD.

Additionally, from a psychological standpoint, people distress or disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.

From an A-C view, high blood sugar levels (Action) can cause nerve damage which may result in vision or limb loss (Consequence). In some cases, such as Chico’s, death can also result. Yet, a B-C connection is how one self-disturbs when a loved one refuses to take better self-care.

For example, imagine that Chico told me he was dying and refused to take preventative measures (Action) and I Believed, “This friendship is worthless [G], as it’s intolerable that Chico won’t practice self-care [L], because it’ll be horrible to lose him [A], so he mustn’t die just yet [D]!”

With this narrative, which is akin to Eamon’s statement regarding “the ones we hurt when we leave,” I’d hurt myself by causing my own fear about Chico’s impending death (Consequence). Now, Eamon said, “You got to learn to step up and be the man that they trust,” though I disagree.

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Fortunately, during our last conversation during which Chico ostensibly told me that he was choosing to die, I didn’t self-disturb. Likewise, I didn’t recommend that he “step up” and be the sort of individual who clung to life for the sake of his family, friends, and other loved ones.

In actuality, I didn’t even experience negative and healthy self-distress (e.g., disappointment). Instead, I quickly achieved indifference. My friend, who I met in 1999, having maintained contact with him for over two decades, was choosing death. And that was just fine.

How did I arrive at this conclusion? Well, REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

Regarding my circle of control and USA, I admitted that I could control only my reaction to Chico’s situation. Concerning my circle of influence and UOA, I acknowledged that although I initially tried, Chico was largely unable to be influenced. He essentially wanted to die.

Relating to my circle of concern and ULA, I practiced tolerance and acceptance of the notion that life and death are two sides of the same coin. As death is inescapable and Chico was willfully resistant about giving up processed sugar, it was “just fine” that my friend was dying.

As for the area of no concern, wherein imaginary ideas relating to whether or not Chico in another dimension would’ve made healthier choices, there’s no utility in wasting time in this life by contemplating unfalsifiable possibilities in another life. Ergo, I quickly achieved indifference.

Having been years since I last heard from Chico, as he hasn’t been available regarding our typical mediums of contact, I presume he’s dead. This is a matter of “spilled milk.” Still, “there’s no use crying over spilled milk.” All I can do is take personal ownership of my own outcome.

Now, I invite you to consider the psychoeducational lesson presented herein. When matters outside of your circles of control and influence occur, will you take personal ownership of your reaction by practicing tolerance and acceptance? If not, are you somehow able to un-spill milk?

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Recommendatory should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/recommendatory-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2024, January 20). Reliability vs. validity. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/reliability-vs-validity

Hollings, D. (2023, February 17). Revisiting the circle of control. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/revisiting-the-circle-of-control

Hollings, D. (2024, January 4). Rigid vs. rigorous. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rigid-vs-rigorous

Hollings, D. (2024, May 6). Self-care. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-care

Hollings, D. (2022, November 1). Self-disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-disturbance

Hollings, D. (2026, April 21). Self-upset. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-upset

Hollings, D. (2026, March 1). Something’s got to give. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/something-s-got-to-give

Hollings, D. (2024, April 25). Spilled milk. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/spilled-milk

Hollings, D. (2025, January 5). Spooky business. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/spooky-business

Hollings, D. (2026, May 31). Standards and principles. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/standards-and-principles

Hollings, D. (2024, February 27). Suffering, struggling, and battling vs. experiencing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/suffering-struggling-and-battling-vs-experiencing

Hollings, D. (2026, May 19). Sympathy: I belong to the world – An individualist’s view. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/sympathy-i-belong-to-the-world-an-individualist-s-view

Hollings, D. (2025, August 6). Take an inventory of your obligations. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/take-an-inventory-of-your-obligations

Hollings, D. (2022, December 23). The A-C connection. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-a-c-connection

Hollings, D. (2022, December 25). The B-C connection. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-b-c-connection

Hollings, D. (2025, October 22). The construct. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-construct

Hollings, D. (2022, November 2). The critical A. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-critical-a

Hollings, D. (2025, January 2). The distinction between law and justice. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-distinction-between-law-and-justice

Hollings, D. (2026, May 25). The logic is correct: Yuh, I felt that one in my nuggets! Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-logic-is-correct-yuh-i-felt-that-one-in-my-nuggets

Hollings, D. (2026, February 21). The preferences versus expectations paradigm: Love is not enough, though virtue is. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-preferences-versus-expectations-paradigm-love-is-not-enough-though-virtue-is

Hollings, D. (2026, April 23). The three traditionally identified components of the mind: Affect, cognition, and conation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-three-traditionally-identified-components-of-the-mind-affect-cognition-and-conation

Hollings, D. (2025, April 15). This cake smells unpleasant. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/this-cake-smells-unpleasant

Hollings, D. (2023, February 16). Tna. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/__tna

Hollings, D. (2025, February 28). To try is my goal. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/to-try-is-my-goal

Hollings, D. (2025, April 18). Tolerable FAD. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/tolerable-fad

Hollings, D. (2025, January 9). Traditional ABC model. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/traditional-abc-model

Hollings, D. (2026, March 14). Trolley problem: Distress or disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/trolley-problem-distress-or-disturbance

Hollings, D. (2024, October 20). Unconditional acceptance redux. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-acceptance-redux

Hollings, D. (2023, March 11). Unconditional life-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-life-acceptance

Hollings, D. (2023, February 25). Unconditional other-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-other-acceptance

Hollings, D. (2023, March 1). Unconditional self-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-self-acceptance

Hollings, D. (2023, October 22). Unfalsifiability. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unfalsifiability

Hollings, D. (2024, March 18). Unhealthy vs. healthy negative emotions. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unhealthy-vs-healthy-negative-emotions

Hollings, D. (2024, October 26). Unhelpful expectations. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unhelpful-expectations

Hollings, D. (2025, February 9). Value. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/value

Hollings, D. (2024, November 24). Values. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/values

Hollings, D. (2023, May 3). Want vs. need. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/want-vs-need

Hollings, D. (2025, September 28). War crimes: A rational course of action. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/war-crimes-a-rational-course-of-action

Hollings, D. (2023, October 10). When others don’t share your worldview. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/when-others-don-t-share-your-worldview

Hollings, D. (2026, April 30). Willfully stuck: I’m stuck in my ways. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/willfully-stuck-i-m-stuck-in-my-ways

Hollings, D. (2026, March 8). You are not your beliefs or ideas. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/you-are-not-your-beliefs-or-ideas

Hollings, D. (2025, November 8). You gots to chill. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/you-gots-to-chill

Hollings, D. (2026, March 3). You should come with me. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/you-should-come-with-me

Hollings, D. (2026, March 26). You’ll have suffered twice. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/you-ll-have-suffered-twice

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