Risk, Rejection, and Unrequited Love: Kill That Shit
As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) was formed by the late psychologist Albert Ellis, who reportedly developed the first cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) psychotherapeutic modality in 1955, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding his book, Ask Albert Ellis?: Straight Answers and Sound Advice from America’s Best-Known Psychologist.
On page 32, Ellis stated that REBT “has many techniques of helping people overcome their strong tendencies to hate themselves when they take the healthy risks of failing and of being rejected by others,” and “life without any risk-taking would be incredibly boring!”
For context, the American Psychological Association (APA) defines risk as “the probability or likelihood that a negative event will occur” and “the probability of experiencing loss or harm that is associated with an action or behavior.” Risk involves the potential for an unwanted outcome.
Additionally, as it pertains to this blogpost, the APA defines rejection as “denial of love, attention, interest, or approval.” Herein, I’ll share a personal anecdote concerning risk and rejection. Before doing so, it may be useful to know that the APA thusly defines love:
[A] complex emotion involving strong feelings of affection and tenderness for the love object, pleasurable sensations in their presence, devotion to their well-being, and sensitivity to their reactions to oneself.
Although love takes many forms, including concern for one’s fellow humans (brotherly love), parental love, erotic love, self-love, and identification with the totality of being (love of God), the triangular theory of love proposes three essential components: passion, intimacy, and commitment.
Social psychological research in this area has focused largely on passionate love, in which sexual desire and excitement predominate, and companionate love, in which passion is relatively weak and commitment is strong.
Given this framing, the last woman with whom I was in love is someone that I’ll refer to as “Cafécita” herein. It’s worth noting that I loved this woman, as I was also in love with her.
For clarity, one source states, “Being ‘in love’ involves intense neurochemical reactions that create euphoria, obsession, and anxiety, while loving someone reflects a stable, conscious commitment built on trust and mutual respect.” Also, consider that one source reports:
Unrequited love is a love which is not reciprocated, one-sided, or more generally unequal, resulting in a yearning for more complete love. This might occur inside a relationship with unequal love, commitment, or effort between partners, or it might occur in a context where little or no relationship exists between the participants (even as in parasocial love for a celebrity). Lovesickness is the resulting mental state.
Unrequited love generally pertains to the romantic, passionate, infatuated, obsessive, or limerent variety of love (also called “being in love”): a state which is conceptualized as a motivation or drive. This state is commonly distinguished from other types of love: companionate love (or attachment) and compassionate love (or agape). Reciprocal love is called “redamancy”.
Eventually, I risked the possibility of rejection by confessing my sentiment to Cafécita. However, I quickly discovered that my experience related to unrequited love. When I expressed that I was in love with her, Cafécita assertively stated, “Kill that shit!”
For context, when used in the manner stated by Cafécita, to kill is to deprive of life: cause the death of something, and shit regards a vulgar expression for nonsense, foolishness, trivial talk, or overall unwelcome discourse. In essence, Cafécita rejected my risk-taking attempt at affection.
As we shared an appreciation for firing range activities, I’ve chosen to post a photo of Cafécita’s paper silhouette target for this blogpost. The gunshots which riddled her target are akin to the how people inaccurately view the damage of rejection words regarding unrequited love.
Now, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the event itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.
Noteworthy, with virtually any undesirable Action that occurs, it’s your unfavorable Beliefs which cause unpleasant distress or disturbance (Consequence). Given this framing of self-distress and self-disturbance, it’s worth noting that one REBT source states (page 71):
REBT conceptualizes [distress] as healthy even though it is intense. Other approaches to therapy have as their goal the reduction of the intensity of negative emotions. They take this position because they do not keenly differentiate between healthy negative emotions (distress) and unhealthy negative emotions (disturbance).
Now, REBT keenly distinguishes between healthy distress and unhealthy disturbance. Healthy distress stems from your rational beliefs about a negative activating event [Action], whilst disturbance stems from your irrational beliefs about the same event.
Complete elimination of distress is highly unlikely in an impermanent and uncertain world, wherein people conceptually suffer, struggle, and battle with, or merely experience hardship. Still, individuals often make matters worse for themselves by disturbing about such instances.
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to distress or disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive scripts, think of the acronym GLAD.
Worth noting, the two forms of should, must, and ought demands with which people most often distress or disturb are associated with use of absolutistic and conditional beliefs. Generally speaking, these scripts serve as inflexible commands used toward oneself, others, and life.
An absolute must narrative is, “You absolutely must do as I say!” A conditional should narrative is, “Either you should do as I say, or you should be punished!” Noteworthy, in REBT literature, demandingness of this sort is said to function as a primary appraisal mechanism of self-upset.
Global evaluations (i.e., self-downing, other-downing, and life-downing), low frustration tolerance (also known as frustration intolerance), and awfulizing (e.g., terrible, horrible, etc.) function as secondary appraisal mechanisms. Together, GLAD will make you sad or mad, etc.
While still functioning as prescriptive rather than descriptive, flexible use of recommendatory, preferential, ideal, empirical, moral and ethical, and legal ought beliefs won’t inevitably cause disturbance, as they may align with distress. Rigidity versus flexibility makes a difference.
Additionally, from a psychological standpoint, people distress or disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.
From an A-C view, Cafécita shot at a paper silhouette target (Action), as impacting ammunition riddled the object at which she aimed (Consequence). Yet, had I not healthily practiced REBT when rejected by Cafécita, then a B-C connection would’ve caused an unwanted outcome.
Before providing an example of a hypothetical GLAD Belief that I could’ve used, I thank you for allowing me a relatively brief deviation from this psychoeducational lesson. Just as Cafécita and I shared an appreciation for firing range activities, we both also enjoyed hip hop music.
Now, rappers, lyricists, DJs, producers, and others who create hip hop music often use drops (i.e., name-drops), ad-libs (i.e., improvised lines), taglines (i.e., vocal tags), or catchphrases (i.e., brand phrases) to alert listeners about who was responsible for fashioning particular songs.
As an example, rapper and record producer Lil Jon famously used the drop “yeah!” Given this background information, on his first studio album No One Can Do It Better (1989), one of my lifelong favorite anthologies, lyricist the D.O.C. featured a phrase that was later used as a drop.
Specifically, at the end of his track “The Grand Finalé”, featuring classic hip hop group N.W.A, one of the N.W.A members humorously stated “shut the fuck up!” Many years later, rapper and producer Juicy J (of Three 6 Mafia fame) appropriated the line and began using it as his drop.
Whereas others who are well-aligned with hip hop culture may overlook this petty slight, I’m letting the record reflect that it’s not Juicy J’s original drop. He appropriated it! With that minor quibble aside, I now direct your attention to the mixtape Crypto Business (2022).
It’s the result of collaborative effort by Juicy J, producer Lex Luger, and producer Trap-A-Holics. On the mixtape is the track “Kill Dat Shit”, featuring the late rapper BeatKing and Houston, Texas legendary rapper Lil’ Keke (of Screwed Up Click fame).
Also, the song features a sample of group Bone Thugs-n-Harmony’s track “Mo’ Murda”, from the classic hip hop album E. 1999 Eternal (1995)—one of my favorite by the group! In any case, the chorus of “Kill Dat Shit” states, in part, “Murder, murder, mo’ murder (Kill that shit)!”
I think of Cafécita’s assertive expression when hearing the song. Now, I’ll demonstrate how a hypothetical B-C connection could’ve caused my negative, but unhealthy sadness regarding the risk I took, the rejection I endured, and the matter of unrequited love pertaining to Cafécita.
My friend told me to “kill that shit” when I admitted that I was in love with her (Action) and I then could’ve Believed, “Life is worthless without reciprocated love [G], and I can’t abide being rejected [L], as it’s a terrible experience [A], so Cafécita must also have love for me [D]!”
Had I actually used that unaccommodating GLAD Belief, then I would’ve likely experienced negative, but unhealthy sadness (Consequence). For those individuals who conflate the A-C and B-C connections, it’s as though they conclude that unrequited love is like being shot by a gun!
Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.
Favorably, when I took a risk and my attempt at a deeper connection with Cafécita resulted in rejection (i.e., unrequited love), I Effectively believed, “This isn’t the first time that a woman didn’t return the affection I had for her, so I can stand this, even if I don’t like the outcome.”
It’s further worth noting that REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).
Whereas the ABC model is a scientific approach to wellness, UA serves as a philosophical method for un-disturbing yourself. I view the former as an abortive approach to disturbance and the latter as a preventative method. Of course, not all REBT practitioners use the same style as I.
With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).
The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.
Regarding my circle of control and USA, I acknowledged that I could control my reaction to Cafécita’s rejection of my interest in love. Concerning my circle of influence and UOA, I admitted that although I desired a deeper connection, Cafécita wasn’t able to be persuaded.
Relating to my circle of concern and ULA, I recognized that life is relatively too short than to spend my remaining days yearning for someone who isn’t in love with me. As for my area of no concern, an imaginary realm in which unrequited love doesn’t exist, I could kill that shit!
There’s one final piece of this psychoeducational lesson that I intentionally saved for the end of this blogpost. Only those individuals who dared to drudge through the minutiae of this blog entry may benefit from one integral component of the Cafécita saga.
While I loved my friend, as a friend, it was Cafécita who first admitted that she was in love with me. Yet, after echoing her sentiment, Cafécita revised her view. “I think I love you, too,” I said. “Kill that shit,” Cafécita replied. To this day, I have no idea why my friend changed up on me.
Nevertheless, it wasn’t long thereafter that I let go of the relationship. Per Cafécita’s advisement, I killed that shit! Sometimes, it’s healthiest not to hold on to relationships of various sorts when the dynamics are fundamentally altered to a degree whereby even healthy self-distress exists.
Ultimately, I took a risk on the prospect of love. Still, Cafécita rejected my attempt for a deeper connection—as was her right! Therefore, I tolerated and accepted the unwelcome outcome of unrequited love—until it was time to let go of the relationship. Sometimes, “it be like that!”
Now, I invite you to consider use of REBT tools. As Ellis stated, “the healthy risks of failing and of being rejected by others” is tolerable and acceptable, and “life without any risk-taking would be incredibly boring!” So, I encourage you to take healthy risks and allow for rejection.
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
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Hollings, D. (2024, November 18). Is it infatuation or love? Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/is-it-infatuation-or-love
Hollings, D. (2025, July 24). It b like that. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/it-b-like-that
Hollings, D. (2026, March 14). It’s just easy come and easy go: Tolerance and acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/it-s-just-easy-come-and-easy-go-tolerance-and-acceptance
Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Legal should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/legal-should-beliefs
Hollings, D. (2023, September 19). Life coaching. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/life-coaching
Hollings, D. (2025, January 8). Life-downing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/life-downing
Hollings, D. (2022, December 9). Like it, love it, accept it. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/like-it-love-it-accept-it
Hollings, D. (2026, May 17). Listening to reason through argument: Is the rhetoric of whataboutism persuasive? Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/listening-to-reason-through-argument-is-the-rhetoric-of-whataboutism-persuasive
Hollings, D. (2022, December 2). Low frustration tolerance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/low-frustration-tolerance
Hollings, D. (2022, October 30). Luv(sic). Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/luv-sic
Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Moral and ethical should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/moral-and-ethical-should-beliefs
Hollings, D. (2024, September 27). My attitude. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/my-attitude
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Hollings, D. (2026, September 14). Negative, but unhealthy sadness: You aren’t disturbed by events from childhood. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/negative-but-unhealthy-sadness-you-aren-t-disturbed-by-events-from-childhood
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Hollings, D. (2026, June 9). No trust: Dishonesty. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/no-trust-dishonesty
Hollings, D. (2026, June 9). Nonsense: It’s plainly pride. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/nonsense-it-s-plainly-pride
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Hollings, D. (2026, April 19). Outcome: Victim mentality and playing the victim. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/outcome-victim-mentality-and-playing-the-victim
Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Preferential should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/preferential-should-beliefs
Hollings, D. (2024, January 1). Psychoeducation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychoeducation
Hollings, D. (2023, September 15). Psychotherapeutic modalities. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapeutic-modalities
Hollings, D. (2024, May 5). Psychotherapist. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapist
Hollings, D. (2022, March 24). Rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-emotive-behavior-therapy-rebt
Hollings, D. (2025, August 13). Rational versus irrational thoughts and beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-versus-irrational-thoughts-and-beliefs
Hollings, D. (2024, January 1). Rational vs. irrational. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-vs-irrational
Hollings, D. (2024, July 18). REBT flexibility. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rebt-flexibility
Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Recommendatory should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/recommendatory-should-beliefs
Hollings, D. (2025, April 15). Rejected and dejected. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rejected-and-dejected
Hollings, D. (2025, September 26). Respect required (non-negotiable). Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/respect-required-non-negotiable
Hollings, D. (2023, February 17). Revisiting the circle of control. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/revisiting-the-circle-of-control
Hollings, D. (2024, January 4). Rigid vs. rigorous. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rigid-vs-rigorous
Hollings, D. (2026, October 16). Self-damning when using the ABC model. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-damning-when-using-the-abc-model
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Hollings, D. (2025, January 6). Self-downing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-downing
Hollings, D. (2025, November 18). Self-love and self-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-love-and-self-acceptance
Hollings, D. (2026, April 28). Self-motivation: Trying to motivate the unmotivated. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-motivation-trying-to-motivate-the-unmotivated
Hollings, D. (2026, April 21). Self-upset. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-upset
Hollings, D. (2024, April 21). Sensation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/sensation
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Hollings, D. (2024, February 27). Suffering, struggling, and battling vs. experiencing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/suffering-struggling-and-battling-vs-experiencing
Hollings, D. (2022, December 23). The A-C connection. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-a-c-connection
Hollings, D. (2025, December 21). The awful, very bad, horrible, terrible, no good, unacceptable elements of life. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-awful-very-bad-horrible-terrible-no-good-unacceptable-elements-of-life
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Hollings, D. (2022, November 2). The critical A. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-critical-a
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Hollings, D. (2026, June 5). To offend and endure offense: Você tem chulé. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/to-offend-and-endure-offense-você-tem-chulé
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Hollings, D. (2023, March 11). Unconditional life-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-life-acceptance
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Hollings, D. (2024, October 26). Unhelpful expectations. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unhelpful-expectations
Hollings, D. (2026, July 12). Voicemails for Isabelle: Attachment, detachment, and nonattachment. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/voicemails-for-isabelle-attachment-detachment-and-nonatachment
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