Domestic Violence (DV) vs. Intimate Partner Violence (IPV): Anti-Awfulizing
DV vs. IPV
When living with my dad in childhood, he regularly assaulted and battered me. Therefore, I endured mental, emotional, and physical abuse. For context, the American Psychological Association (APA) thusly defines abuse, as this term is used herein:
[I]nteractions in which one person behaves in a cruel, violent, demeaning, or invasive manner toward another person or an animal. The term most commonly implies physical mistreatment but also encompasses sexual and psychological (emotional) mistreatment.
Many years after having lived with him, I learned that my dad also allegedly assaulted and battered my youngest sister and late stepmom. When abuse diverges by varying relationships within a domicile, it’s termed domestic violence (DV), which the APA thusly defines:
[A]ny action by a person that causes physical harm to one or more members of their family unit. For example, it can involve battering of one partner by another (partner abuse), violence [the use of physical force so as to injure, abuse, damage, or destroy] against children by a parent, or violence against elders by younger family members.
One source succinctly states that DV “is violence that occurs in a domestic [of or relating to the household or the family] setting, such as in a marriage or cohabitation.” When considering DV, this abuse is a form of intimate partner violence (IPV), which the APA thusly defines:
[P]hysical, psychological, or sexual abuse, harm, or aggression of one person by another within an intimate [engaged in, involving, or marked by sex or sexual relations] relationship, including by former or current intimate partners or spouses.
Apart from aggression and threats of abuse, control is a hallmark of intimate partner violence, with the aggressor controlling the partner’s access to family and friends, taking control of shared finances, and constantly monitoring the partner’s activities.
If rejected, the perpetrator may also stalk the partner. Victims of intimate partner violence are at greater risk for developing depression, substance abuse, and other disorders.
Whereas my dad committed the act of DV when abusing me, he allegedly committed the act of IPV when reportedly subjecting my stepmom to violence. The distinction between DV and IPV is that my dad and I weren’t in an intimate relationship, which one source thusly defines:
An intimate relationship is an interpersonal relationship that involves emotional or physical closeness between people and can include feelings of romantic or platonic love and sexual intimacy. Intimate relationships are interdependent, and the members of the relationship mutually influence each other.
One source succinctly states that IPV “is domestic violence by a current or former spouse or partner in an intimate relationship against the other spouse or partner.” I draw a distinction between DV and IPV, as IPV includes domestic partnerships, which the APA thusly defines:
[T]wo people who live together in a stable, intimate relationship and share the responsibilities of a household. Some states and companies in the United States and some other countries provide legal and economic rights to domestic partners (e.g., insurance and death benefits) that are similar to those granted to married partners.
Conclusively, DV can occur between roommates residing in the same home, a grandchild assaulting or battering a grandparent, or siblings abusing one another. IPV is a form of DV that involves intimate relationships, such as a woman who physically abuses her domestic partner.
Love the Way You Lie, and Awfulizing
One of my top-five-dead-or-alive lyricists is Eminem. He released his seventh studio album Recovery (2010) that contained the track “Love the Way You Lie”, produced by Alex da Kid and Makeba Riddick, and featuring vocals by the talented singer and songwriter Rihanna.
According to one source, “Eminem wrote the verses and chose Rihanna to sing the chorus, resulting in a collaboration influenced by their past experiences in difficult relationships.” One presumes that the phrase “difficult relationships” regards DV and IPV, given the artists’ history.
In any event, Eminem states on the song, “She fuckin’ hates me, and I love it. ‘Wait, where you goin’?’ ‘I’m leavin’ you.’ ‘No, you ain’t! ‘Come back!’ We’re runnin’ right back. Here we go again. It’s so insane, ‘cause when it’s goin’ good, it’s goin’ great! I’m Superman with the wind at his back, she’s Lois Lane. But when it’s bad, it’s awful. I feel so ashamed.”
A reference to Lois Lane, the love interest of Superman (whose alter ego is Clark Kent), suggests that the cited verse regards an IPV relationship, not merely one relating to DV. Relevant to the current blogpost, the APA redirects from the term awfulize to thusly defining catastrophize:
[T]o exaggerate the negative consequences of events or decisions. People are said to be catastrophizing when they think that the worst possible outcome will occur from a particular action or in a particular situation or when they feel as if they are in the midst of a catastrophe in situations that may be serious and upsetting but are not necessarily disastrous.
The tendency to catastrophize can unnecessarily increase levels of anxiety and lead to maladaptive behavior. The verb, as well as its synonym awfulize, was coined by Albert Ellis.
One source succinctly states that to awfulize is to “react dramatically or catastrophically to distressing events.” In “Love the Way You Lie”, Eminem uses an awfulizing view (i.e., “when it’s bad, it’s awful”), as I’ll address how I approach this point of view regarding DV and IPV.
REBT
As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) was formed by the late psychologist Ellis, who reportedly developed the first cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) psychotherapeutic modality in 1955, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding his book, Ask Albert Ellis?: Straight Answers and Sound Advice from America’s Best-Known Psychologist.
REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.
Noteworthy, with virtually any undesirable Action that occurs, it’s your unfavorable Beliefs which cause unpleasant distress or disturbance (Consequence). Given this framing of self-distress and self-disturbance, it’s worth noting that one REBT source states (page 71):
REBT conceptualizes [distress] as healthy even though it is intense. Other approaches to therapy have as their goal the reduction of the intensity of negative emotions. They take this position because they do not keenly differentiate between healthy negative emotions (distress) and unhealthy negative emotions (disturbance).
Now, REBT keenly distinguishes between healthy distress and unhealthy disturbance. Healthy distress stems from your rational beliefs about a negative activating event [Action], whilst disturbance stems from your irrational beliefs about the same event.
Complete elimination of distress is highly unlikely in an impermanent and uncertain world, wherein people conceptually suffer, struggle, and battle with, or merely experience hardship. Still, individuals often make matters worse for themselves by disturbing about such instances.
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to distress or disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive scripts, think of the acronym GLAD.
Worth noting, the two forms of should, must, and ought demands with which people most often distress or disturb are associated with use of absolutistic and conditional beliefs. Generally speaking, these scripts serve as inflexible commands used toward oneself, others, and life.
An absolute must narrative is, “You absolutely must do as I say!” A conditional should narrative is, “Either you should do as I say, or you should be punished!” Importantly, in REBT literature, demandingness of this sort is said to function as a primary appraisal mechanism of self-upset.
Global evaluations (i.e., self-downing, other-downing, and life-downing), low frustration tolerance (also known as frustration intolerance), and awfulizing (e.g., terrible, horrible, etc.) function as secondary appraisal mechanisms. Together, GLAD will make you sad or mad, etc.
While still functioning as prescriptive rather than descriptive, flexible use of recommendatory, preferential, ideal, empirical, moral and ethical, and legal ought beliefs won’t inevitably cause disturbance, as they may align with distress. Rigidity versus flexibility makes a difference.
Additionally, from a psychological standpoint, people distress or disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.
From an A-C perspective, my dad purportedly assaulted and battered my late stepmom (Action), which perceivably resulted in physiological and psychological injuries (Consequence). However, from a B-C viewpoint, it was my stepmom’s worldview which caused psychological injury.
My dad allegedly abused my stepmom (Action), she likely Believed, “Life is meaningless when I’m treated this way [G], and I can’t abide it [L], because when it’s bad [G], it’s awful [A], as it shouldn’t be this way [D],” and she then caused her own psychological injury (Consequence).
Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.
Years after residing with my dad, my stepmom told me of my dad’s apparent IPV behavior. At the time, I knew of REBT. While I tolerated and accepted the fact that my dad subjected me to DV, I used GLAD Beliefs about his alleged treatment of my sister and stepmom.
For clarity, there’s a distinction between understanding, believing in, and actually practicing REBT. Although I comprehended and believed in REBT when informed of my dad’s reported behavior, I hadn’t yet begun daily practice of this method to reduce self-disturbance.
Therefore, using an unproductive B-C connection, I caused my own homicidal ideation (thoughts about homicide—a killing of one human being by another). Specifically, I contemplated murder (the crime of unlawfully and unjustifiably killing a person).
Favorably, I later used unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve my self-induced suffering, as my dad was allowed to live. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).
Whereas the ABC model is a scientific approach to wellness, UA serves as a philosophical method for un-disturbing yourself. I view the former as an abortive approach to disturbance and the latter as a preventative method. Of course, not all REBT practitioners use the same style as I.
With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).
The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.
Regarding my circle of control and USA, I acknowledged that I was a fallible human being who controlled my own reaction to DV and IPV. Concerning my circle of influence and UOA, I admitted that my dad was also a flawed person, as his unpleasant DV and IPV acts weren’t him.
Relating to my circle of concern and ULA, I recognized that life itself is imperfect, as DV and IPV will inevitably occur. Pertaining to my area of no concern, an imaginary realm in which DV and IPV can be fully eliminated, I don’t waste time contemplating such idealistic possibilities.
By understanding, believing in, and routinely practicing REBT, I’ve kept from killing my dad! This is a win-win scenario, as I have an interest and goal to remain out of a box (incarceration) and above ground (alive). Now, regarding the practice of UA, Ellis specifically stated (page 38):
[W]hen we inevitably fallible humans fall short of completely eliminating our absolutistic, inflexible musts and demands, and when we keep exaggeratingly awfulizing about our failings, rejections, and misfortunes, there are constructive steps we can take. We can use [REBT], [CBT], and other sensible philosophical and behavior change methods to do several things:
First, […] we can forgive ourselves for being fallible humans who often fail to achieve our goals. We are almost perfectly imperfect! But we can always give ourselves what the late psychologist Carl Rogers and I call [USA]. Yes, just because we are alive and human, no other condition is required – unless we idiotically require it.
Second, we can give all other people – yes, all of them – [UOA]. They, too, are incredibly fallible!
Third, we can work at acquiring [ULA], High Frustration Tolerance (HFT), or what I call “anti-awfulizing.” That is, we can acknowledge that unfortunate events will often affect us (as the ancient Buddhists rightly said) [i.e., A-C connection], but that they don’t have to ruin our entire lives, that we can often be happy in spite of them. Providing that we stubbornly refuse to awfulize about them!
Concerning DV and IPV, as these undesirable events regard an A-C connection, unfavorable events can and will have some effect on people. For example, when my dad assaulted and battered me (Action), the effect was physical bruising (Consequence). It wasn’t a pleasant affair!
Nevertheless, pertaining to one’s B-C connections, Ellis advocated use of anti-awfulizing—the antithesis of catastrophizing, whereby one doesn’t over-exaggerate the negative consequences of events or decisions. Rather that evaluating or appraising, one views events as they simply are.
My dad’s DV and IPV behavior was abusive, though it wasn’t awful. Worth noting, in “Love the Way You Lie”, Eminem used a global evaluation by stating, “But when it’s bad,” and followed it up with awfulizing when declaring that “it’s awful,” presumably regarding DV and IPV.
In actuality, DV and IPV are abusive, though they aren’t bad or awful, unless one makes it so. This is an anti-awfulizing view. Now, I invite you to take this blogpost into consideration if or when you unhelpfully exaggerate the negative consequences of events or decisions.
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
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Hollings, D. (2026, April 3). Kno one: A negative evaluation – People aren’t their behavior. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/kno-one-a-negative-evaluation-people-aren-t-their-behavior
Hollings, D. (2026, June 8). Knock knock: A fallible human being is gonna knock up on your door. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/knock-knock-a-fallible-human-being-is-gonna-knock-up-on-your-door
Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Legal should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/legal-should-beliefs
Hollings, D. (2023, September 19). Life coaching. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/life-coaching
Hollings, D. (2025, January 8). Life-downing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/life-downing
Hollings, D. (2022, December 2). Low frustration tolerance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/low-frustration-tolerance
Hollings, D. (2025, November 28). Making decisions with jumbled judgment. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/making-decisions-with-jumbled-judgment
Hollings, D. (2025, December 30). Making misfortune heavier by complaining about it. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/making-misfortune-heavier-by-complaining-about-it
Hollings, D. (2025, November 16). Mental health, mental illness, and mental disorder. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/mental-health-mental-illness-and-mental-disorder
Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Moral and ethical should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/moral-and-ethical-should-beliefs
Hollings, D. (2025, October 2). Murderer, your insides must be hollow. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/murderer-your-insides-must-be-hollow
Hollings, D. (2024, September 27). My attitude. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/my-attitude
Hollings, D. (2025, August 2). My philosophy. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/my-philosophy
Hollings, D. (2025, November 27). N 2 deep: An interest and goal to remain out of a box and above ground. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/n-2-deep-an-interest-and-goal-to-remain-out-of-a-box-and-above-ground
Hollings, D. (2024, June 2). Nonadaptive behavior. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/nonadaptive-behavior
Hollings, D. (2026, July 13). Nonconscious distress and a centipede. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/nonconscious-distress-and-a-centipede
Hollings, D. (2026, September 18). On feelings… again. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-feelings-again
Hollings, D. (2025, January 7). Other-downing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/other-downing
Hollings, D. (2026, April 19). Outcome: Victim mentality and playing the victim. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/outcome-victim-mentality-and-playing-the-victim
Hollings, D. (2025, April 9). Perception, action, and will. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/perception-action-and-will
Hollings, D. (2025, September 9). Personal responsibility and accountability. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/personal-responsibility-and-accountability
Hollings, D. (2024, July 20). Perspective shift. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/perspective-shift
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Hollings, D. (2024, October 17). Stress-testing intimate partner relationships. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/stress-testing-intimate-partner-relationships
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Hollings, D. (2022, December 23). The A-C connection. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-a-c-connection
Hollings, D. (2025, December 21). The awful, very bad, horrible, terrible, no good, unacceptable elements of life. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-awful-very-bad-horrible-terrible-no-good-unacceptable-elements-of-life
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Hollings, D. (2023, March 11). Unconditional life-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-life-acceptance
Hollings, D. (2023, February 25). Unconditional other-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-other-acceptance
Hollings, D. (2023, March 1). Unconditional self-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-self-acceptance
Hollings, D. (2024, January 16). Understanding, belief, and practice. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/understanding-belief-and-practice
Hollings, D. (2024, March 18). Unhealthy vs. healthy negative emotions. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unhealthy-vs-healthy-negative-emotions
Hollings, D. (2024, October 26). Unhelpful expectations. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unhelpful-expectations
Hollings, D. (2025, May 12). Unjustified generalization. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unjustified-generalization
Hollings, D. (2026, November 1). Viewpoint: If You Can’t See My Point of View, Then What’s the Point of You? Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/viewpoint-if-you-can-t-see-my-point-of-view-then-what-s-the-point-of-you
Hollings, D. (2025, July 18). We decide whether to label something good or bad. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/ we-decide-whether-to-label-something-good-or-bad
Hollings, D. (2025, March 11). We live in an imperfect world. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/we-live-in-an-imperfect-world
Hollings, D. (2024, September 29). Well, well, well. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/well-well-well
Hollings, D. (2023, October 10). When others don’t share your worldview. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/when-others-don-t-share-your-worldview
Hollings, D. (2026, August 19). Wisdom and acting justly are one and the same. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/wisdom-and-acting-justly-are-one-and-the-same
Hollings, D. (2026, June 2). You ought to be ashamed. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/you-ought-to-be-ashamed
Hollings, D. (2026, March 26). You’ll have suffered twice. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/you-ll-have-suffered-twice
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